He's making something new...again

The smell of Desitin fills my brain as I think back on my day of horrible diaper rash, a day of horrible, painful screams, and a recovering ear infection of my little man, Micah.  It started at 5:30am, and we didn’t make it to church.  I was dressed and almost ready, then just dropped everything and decided to stay home at watch Pearl Harbor…sacrilegious?  Irreverent?  Perhaps…I don’t know.  I just know that I didn’t have the energy to get it all together and show up (very late…I might add after realizing all that I still had to do to get there).  To add to it, I’m feeling more and more like a crippled old woman…being almost 8 months pregnant and sore all over!  (Don’t worry, the point of this post is not to whine and complain…I’m getting somewhere).  So I’ve had some time to reflect after baby was put to bed (quite easily…thank you Lord) and Daniel was back at the church.  The thing that popped into mind was on Thanksgiving day, after I completed and ate my first complete Thanksgiving dinner and was feeling quite sore.  Micah was attempting to nap…but it wasn’t going well.  I went to his room to practice the “Sleep Lady Shuffle” (I will talk about this in a future post…great book about sleep issues and children) and sat in my rocking chair to calm him and wait for him to go back to sleep.  While rocking…the most amazing contentment and calm rushed over me.  (I don’t EVER feel that way when I’m trying to help Micah sleep…normally it is straight ANXIETY and feelings of failure).  All of a sudden, all I wanted to do was just to be there…watching my son sleep and the sudden urge came to pray for a few specific needs of people in my life.  The point is, that God showed up…there in that dark room filled with lullabies and the sound of rain…though I’ve been struggling with Him and trying to find my place in this new phase of my life called motherhood…He came.  I knew He would…wasn’t sure when.  So tonight, it occurred to me that He is making something new in me…again.  Just when I felt that I had things under control, my world was flipped…as it turns out, He’s still working on me.  

Wow! It has been a long time...

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!  It's been two months since I've written...I feel like a horribly distant pen pal!  Truth is that I can barely pick up the computer without my adorable little one wanting to pound with me on the keyboard...so it is rare that I get to sit and type.

So lets just get the truth out there...I've been struggling...A LOT.  I probably shouldn't get into all of the details...so as not to emotionally vomit all over you.  This motherhood thing is quite a journey.  I had one of the lowest times of my life the other night...wow...it wasn't pretty.  And, among all of the struggle with being a mom...God has felt quite distant too.  The reason?  Larry Crabb.  No offense Larry (like he's reading this blog...lol).  He is a tough read for me.  I'm reading a book called "The Pressure's Off" which was recommended by a friend.  I think my view of God has been stretched...is that a good word?  I'm not really enjoying the stretch either...because its confusing and makes me feel very lonely.  I know that He hasn't left...and I know that He is still the same God as always.  I know that He is trustworthy, just, patient, kind, and He still wants to comfort and bless me.  I'm just struggling to see Him in a new way.

I guess this just goes to show that we can't rely on our feelings.  We need to listen to them, but we don't let them drive our decisions.  I don't FEEL good right now...on a few levels.  But I KNOW who God is...and I have to trust that someday, perhaps the feelings will follow.

With all of that said, I think I've just lacked motivation to share my heart.  But, I promised that I would be real about my journey...so here it is!  There will be more posts to follow...hopefully not so far down the road.

Have you ever struggled with a new view of God?  What was it like?

If Mamma Aint Happy...

So, yesterday I had a really good day.  My house was clean (this always helps), I got to spend time with some friends, I was well rested (thanks to my 1 year old), and I got some things accomplished.  When my husband got home, he was in a good mood as was my little one (he LOVES his daddy).  It was just a really good day.  My husband made the comment “I’m in a really good mood…I think my mood is derived from your mood…”  It’s funny, because I think I’ve noticed the same thing.  I was journaling this morning and it hit me…WOW!  What a responsibility. 

If you are a faithful reader of the finer days…you’ll know that I’ve struggled a bit lately with finding the joy in my new stage of life.  (God is doing some amazing work there).  So, needless to say, my mood isn’t always the greatest.  Especially at the end of the day when I’m tired, baby is fussy, and daddy comes home and all I want to do is leave everything and go take a nap!  But, it hit me this morning that I bear the incredible responsibility of setting the tone for my family.  Think about it…when you were little…if mom was upset, did you just go along playing and feeling calm and happy?  Probably not.  I know I didn’t.  If mom was unhappy, I was worried and unhappy as well.  Don’t get me wrong, my mom did a great job at setting the tone as best she could given all that she had to deal with.  You’ve probably heard the saying “If mamma aint happy, aint nobody happy”.  Yeah…it is probably true. 

So, here’s my new challenge.  In no way am I called to be fake and put on a smile when I’m hurting.  Perhaps I am called to set aside my stuff so that I can set a positive tone for my husband and children.  Setting aside does not equal ignoring…but not allowing it to dictate my attitude.  I heard a book review of “Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti” where they talked about how men have the ability to compartmentalize (waffle) whereas women allow things to hit them like a giant meatball landing in a bowl of spaghetti…it affects every noodle of her life.  Perhaps on this one we need to take some advice from our men? 

I was at work a while back and someone made the comment “You are always so happy and cheerful”.  I think they compared me to sunshine.  I was like “Who in the world are you talking about?”  Funny…my husband had the same reaction.  Why am I saving my optimism and joy for my coworkers and clients?  Doesn’t my family deserve it even more? 

Do you find the same thing in your home?  How do you maintain a positive attitude for your family?

Pain

Recently I’ve had a realization about pain.  I attended a funeral for a man at our church that I really didn’t know…but my husband was leading the service and I wanted to be there to support him.  Unfortunately, I had to take my infant son…so we ended up pacing back and forth in the foyer.  I was still able to hear the majority of the testimonies about this man’s life.  I’d known of his reputation and had some loose connections with his family members.  This man was known for how much he loved God and his family.  His children and their spouses stood before the crowd weeping but laughing as they talked about how wonderful a man he was.  I found myself crying…for a man that I didn’t really know.  It got me thinking…there truly can be joy in pain and suffering.  At that moment, I had a revelation…a large majority of us are living our lives searching for ways to avoid pain!  Think about it:  we have a headache and we look for the pain killers, we go into labor and we ask for the epidural, we feel depressed or anxious and we seek counseling or try some anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds.  I am SO not knocking these things…hear me out.  (I am loving me some epidural…let me tell you). I believe that pain is a way that our bodies (and minds) signal to us that something is wrong and needs attended to.  Without it, how would we know?  

I have had the privilege of sitting in the counseling office with many clients whose desire is to rid of the emotional (and sometimes physical) pain that they are experiencing because of various stressors.  I just wonder…could it be that God wants us to get to a place of ambivalence…having both pain and joy…so that we can learn something new?!  I find that almost daily I am admonishing a client to try to “sit with the feeling” (which is the very thing that they are attempting to avoid).  I believe that many times, the very feelings we are avoiding are the ones we need to feel more deeply in order to move past them to a place of healing.  I am absolutely in favor of medications and other forms of therapeutic interventions depending on each situation…and some people will never be able to grasp such concepts depending on their level of insight…but for many people…this is a hurdle that needs to be crossed. 

Have you ever experienced the joy amidst suffering?  

New Adventures

So along with my “mommy” issues, I’ve also felt a change in my Spiritual life as well.  I’m thinking that since I’m not as free to participate in Bible studies and church events (which my extroverted personality prefers)…my Spiritual life has been shoved into a more introverted style…and I’ve struggled with this tremendously.  So, I’ve been asking God for some direction and grace as I seek to know Him more through this transition.  I had a little “baby-free” time today and drove by the Christian bookstore praying that God would direct me to something that would help me right now or something that He would want me to learn.  I wandered over to the women’s interest section and ran across a number of books that seemed nice…but this one caught my eye:  “What Happened to my Life?” by Danna Demetre.  I’ve never heard of her or the book.  But how much more perfect could that title be?!  I skimmed the table of contents and the “Is this book for you?” section…and knew that this was the book for me.  So, I’m going to dive in and see what God might have in store for me…I also picked up a worship CD, WOW Worship 2010…Stay tuned for the reviews!

 

Welcome to the Wonderful World of Motherhood...Encouragement is on it's way!

So recently I’ve been talking to a lot of young mothers who adore their children, love their role, but are feeling a bit lost in this newer world of motherhood.  Words used include lonely, trapped, left out, and depressed.  It is definitely a transition.  The interesting thing is that they seem to be suffering alone…well, alone with their children.  I found this interesting…and sad.  Why is it that we are ashamed to admit that we have, in a sense, lost our lives when our children came into them?  Stating this doesn’t automatically mean that we have regrets or negative feelings toward our role or our children.  It is stating the fact that we, as mothers, have undergone one of the most traumatic experiences of our lives and are now left with this person(s) to raise, influence, teach, mold, and babysit (for lack of a better word).   It is all beautiful and wonderful.  We are blessed to be called and allowed to do so.  Have I said this yet?  It is definitely a transition.  It has its downsides.   And that’s okay.

I am choosing to quit suffering alone.  I am a mother who has always wanted to be a mother, loved being pregnant, and absolutely adores her son.  Some days he drives me crazy and I long for the days when I was carefree and could jump at the drop of a hat and meet friends for lunch and a day of shopping.  Some days I get angry at my husband because he gets to go to work and I get to stay home alone and try to be productive.  At the end of the day, all I managed to do was cart my son around from high chair to bed to playtime.  

I am not only choosing to quit suffering alone.  I am choosing to quit suffering.  I am a SUPER extrovert and I believe that this part of my personality suffers by being a stay at home mom.   But, it doesn’t have to.  I think that by getting involved in some kind of community…even if it is a virtual one…accessible from the rocking chair…will help.  We need to reach out to each other and let us know that we are not alone nor are we being judged.  Life is full of transitions…and though this one is a biggie…we can and will get past it. 

So, are you with me?  Have you felt this way?  Where have you gotten your encouragement?  

BORING!

So, I have to admit…this blog has been a bit boring.  It’s funny…when I thought of blogging I had all of these great ideas…but then I chickened out because I felt that I was getting too personal.  It is hard to find that line between writing from your heart with sincerity and perhaps some confidence, and telling too much info.  But, I feel like there is a part of me that is dying to just let it all out…so I am giving it a try.  It is, after all, my blog… 

The Top Six Things...I learned while on a delayed flight to Ohio

I had a little delay sitting on the runway for about an hour and decided to do some observation of people...Here are some things that popped into my head.

6.  Please ask before you put your seat back.  You could hurt, scare, or otherwise traumatize the victim behind you...

5.  Please wear deodorant.  If you choose not to...you forfeit your rights to lift your arms.

4.  Please refrain from staring me down or looking at me inappropriately while I'm standing in the aisle waiting to get to my seat.  There is no where for me to hide, and you're creeping me out!

3.  LLLLIIIISSSSTTTTEEEEENNN!  (That's LISTEN!).  I will not repeat everything that the flight attendant just said about the connecting flights.

2.  Don't forget the ipod.  Every time I listen to my music, I think 'why don't I do this more?'

1.  A break from the daily routine makes you remember how much you love it.  I got to think again!  I started dreaming about kitchen gadgets and ways to decorate my house and food I wanted to cook.  It also reminded me how much I miss the little things...slobbery kisses from Micah, and holding hands with my husband Daniel.

In the end...all you're left saying is "Hallelujah!"

Wow...so many emotions to feel right now...I just finished bawling over a video of some old friends meeting their two Ethiopian children for the first time...before that I was bawling about my husband leaving for a missions trip tomorrow and playing out a movie plot in my head...something like p.s. i love you or up close and personal.  I'm also not feeling well...but in spite of it all I am reminded of the song that was playing during my friend's video called "Praise to the Lord, the Almighty".  It's an old hymn that I remember trying to pound out on the piano.  In the end...all you're left saying is "Hallelujah!"  So as I go to bed...I choose to entrust once again, my life, my husband, my friends, and all circumstances to Him...and just say..."Hallelujah!"

Praise to the Lord,

The Almighty, the King of creation!
O my soul, praise Him,
For He is thy health and salvation!
All ye who hear,
Now to His temple draw near;
Praise Him in glad adoration.

Praise to the Lord,
Who over all things so wondrously reigneth,
Shelters thee under His wings,
Yea, so gently sustaineth!
Hast thou not seen
How all your longings have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?

Praise to the Lord,
Who doth prosper thy work and defend thee;
Surely His goodness
And mercy here daily attend thee.
Ponder anew
What the Almighty can do,
If with His love He befriend thee.

Praise to the Lord,
O let all that is in me adore Him!
All that hath life and breath,
Come now with praises before Him.
Let the Amen
Sound from His people again,
Gladly for aye we adore Him.

The Top Five Things...Favorite Appliances

Okay so this post is silly...but I just have to give a shout out to the little machines that make my life oh so much easier.
5.  Food Processor.  This little machine has only been a part of my life since Christmas (thanks to Mom and Dad).  The purpose of this one was to help me make homemade baby food and it is WONDERFUL.  I can't even tell you how much money I've saved because of it.  I've also made a ton of other things and saved a bunch of time.

4.  My "new" Kirby Vacuum Cleaner.  I purchased a generation 3 Kirby vacuum cleaner from Jaime's Flea Market last week for $135.  It's AMAZING.  My carpet is a new shade of white thanks to this friend.

3.  Coffee Maker.  Yes, I do love my coffee maker.  It was free with my first order from Gevalia.  It provides me with the needed fuel for my day.  However, it did make me sick when I was pregnant...

2. Indoor grill.  It's not a George Foreman...it's better!  It also has griddle plates so that i can make pancakes.    I use this one almost daily.

1.  Laptop.  Is this an appliance?  I use this one daily.  It gives me access to my favorite things...friends, movies, articles, music, etc.

What are your favorite appliances/machines?

Spring cleaning

Guess what?  I finished the book! (So Long Insecurity).  I'm not a very avid reader...so I'm kinda proud of myself.  It was a long book too!  Anyway, I may be leading a short-term small group to follow up from the simulcast.  So, let me know if you're interested.  Beth really hit on every area that i could imagine someone being insecure about.  And trust me...if you think you don't struggle with insecurity...read the book...I can almost guarantee that you do...just like me.  


So, I haven't been blogging for the past few weeks...I honestly couldn't put all of my thoughts into this little box...they were everywhere.  The truth is that God has been doing a pretty big transformation in my life (Spring cleaning...if you will) in a few areas...one being insecurity.   The others, I  won't get too detailed.  But, I think I can sum it all up with this realization:  It is only by God's power that the strongholds can be released from my life.  What?  You learned that in Sunday school as a kid?  Well, so did I.  But for the first time it resonated with me.  I think it is because having children and being married...though they are my favorite things about life...also bring out the worst in us.  My husband and son know me...better than anyone else.  I didn't really know that I had strongholds until my beautiful boys came into my life.  Anyway, God knocked me off of my chair in church a few weeks ago...and I knew that he was calling me to spend some purposeful time with him on a few things.  Let me say it again...it is only by the POWER of God that we can be healed from strongholds in our lives.  I know it...I've lived it and I feel like a new gal.  Here's a song that I heard yesterday that made me bawl like a baby:

If you want to feel all alone
Walk away
Try to find a home for your own
Walk away
And I'm not keeping score
But I've seen it so many times before
Put your bags down this time around

Chorus:
Stay with me
I have all you need
You've tried everything, yes everything
Now just stay
All your searching for
Can be found an so much more
No more running away
Stay

If you need healing aside,
I'm the way
To know your have purpose in life,
I'm the way
You can rest assured,
You will find all you've been looking for
Sit yourself down so I can be found

I know you feel

That what you find here
Is less than the world has to give
But when did the world ever lay it's life down
So that you might live

Stay with me,
Dont you ever leave,
You've tried everything
Now just stay

No More Running away (Stay)

No More Running away (Stay)
No More Running away
Stay

Until next time...

So Long Insecurity, You've been a bad friend to us...

So I'm way behind on my reading.  The Beth Moore simulcast is THIS SATURDAY!  I'm only on chapter 4.  I wanted to copy a paragraph here of what jumped out at me today.  Keep in mind, Beth is addressing insecurity in women as a gender not necessarily as the typical stereotypical insecure person.  It is way more prevalent than that.  I can't think of anyone that I know (including myself) that doesn't have some level of insecurity.  It is time to be healed:

The self-conscious person may protect herself with plainness and try to blend into the paint, but she also may dress herself to perfection and stand squarely in the spotlight.  In either portrayal, or anything in between, she is ordinarily more aware of herself than she tends to be of any other person in the room.  Whether she feels inferior or superior, she takes a frequent inventory of her place in the space.  She may like it or hate it, but she's rarely oblivious to it.  Never think for a moment that pride and self-centeredness have no role in insecurity.  Since she keeps confusing her insecurity with humility, however, she never recongnizes the self-centeredness so she can turn from it.  (Moore, p. 22-23)

Ouch!  ...I think that's all I have to say...

Anyone want to go with me on Saturday?

The Top Ten Things...I treasure about my childhood

A lot of things come to mind as I'm re-entering the world of toys and cartoons with my son.  It brings back a lot of memories of my childhood.  So...the Top Ten Things...I treasure about my childhood:

10.  My BARBIE HOUSE!  There was a lady and her husband who worked at Jamie's Flea Market who made barbie houses, clothes, and furniture.  My parent's bought me a fully furnished house for Christmas one year.  Let me just say that I dont' think i have a single memory of playing that doesn't involve that house.  Also...it is currently in my basement...and I think I might paint it. 

9.  My play house.  Remember when I said that my dad can fix anything?  Well, he can build anything too.  He built a play house for me and my brother.  The purpose was for us to share it...but I think I ended up being in it more.  It held my barbie house in the summer months, and it was the location for many sleepovers. 

8.  Our swimming pool.  My uncle gave us a yucky old swimming pool that came with his house.  It was one of the smaller versions.  I spent every warm day in the pool during the summer.  I would wake up, put on my bathing suit, and wear it all day only taking breaks pretty much to eat. 

7.  My neighbors.  We were so blessed to have good neighbors growing up.  You know who you are...My life would lack so much joy if it weren't for them.  I also don't think I have a single memory that doesn't involve my friends.  We played games like "guns" a fancy name for cops and robbers, basketball, hockey, 4-square, BARBIES, we swam a lot, and I remember having long talks about spiritual matters on our back deck. 

6.  Patches.  That was our dog.  We got her when I was pretty little.  I guess she was technically my brother's dog, but we all loved her.  We didn't really know much about having a dog.  She was just happy all of the time and got herself into a lot of interesting adventures.  Running away and showing up on Mothers Day pregnant and all banged up, chasing a cat into the road, pulling me on roller skates (not such a good idea), playing in the leaves and snow. 

5.  The ice cream truck.  Yes, a truck that delivers ice cream.  What could be better than that?  We didn't always get the privelege of buying the expensive treats...but every now and then we could.  i have a specific memory of chasing the truck for blocks for a $.25 twin pop.  The guy gave us a free one for our effort.  That was a great day.

4.  Saturday morning cartoons.  The only shows I remember watching were punky brewster (the cartoon), alvin and the chipmunks, looney tunes, chip N dale rescue rangers, darkwing duck, and winnie the pooh.  Those were good mornings.

3.  Bible club.  My parents led an amazing children's program at our little church.  It was so much fun and in the end, if you did all of your required work, you would win a free trip to Cedar Point.  I know it was a lot of work for them, but i know a TON of scripture because of that program.  And...a lot of good memories. 

2.  Sunday nights at grandmas.  After a busy Sunday, we would go to my grandparent's house for dinner and to watch america's funniest home videos.  That was always a great time.  I had a really hard time when I went to college and knew that they were getting together and i couldn't be there. 

1.  Family dinner time.  This is one of the most important things a family can do.  My mom worked really hard to have an amazing dinner that accomodated my dad's work schedule.  Sometimes it didn't work out like when he worked nights...but sometimes we ate dinner at 3pm so that we could do it as a family.  There is something about a mealtime with open discussion that really helps a kid feel safe. 

until next time...

So many things on my mind...

So I've been cooped up and sick for days now...and today I opened the front door and just breathed the air...and felt better.  It is amazing how healing the sunshine and breeze can be.  (I think the little pill I took last night helped too).  The colors are just amazing...so I grabbed my laptop, some of the amazing pasta that I made last night for dinner, a glass of tea, and the baby monitor and ran outside to soak up the spring-ness.  Then I see a litte robin hanging out in my little tree with white buds on it that look like snow.  Grabbed my camera and took some pics.  I'm loving my life. 

There's a robin in here...but I had a really hard time getting a good shot. Can you see her?

It is such a different life being a parent.  Have you seen the show "Parenthood"?  It is good.  It represents a lot of what I'm starting to feel.  Before Micah, I felt as if my husband and I had similar roles...obviously we have our God-given roles...but we shared everything...chores, dinner duty, paychecks, workdays.  I had my career, he had his, then we had do-what-ever-we-want time and it was great.  Now, I cannot separate my life from Micah.  He is factored into everything that I do...even my work.  I cannot work without thinking of who will provide childcare and making sure I have enough food packed for him.  My husband still proceeds with life as it was before.  Of course, I know that Micah has affected his life...but our roles are just different.  This isn't a bad thing.  I'm not complaining.  It is just a realization of something that I knew was coming.  And, let me emphasize...I love it.  It's just a different season.  The past few days have been tough beause baby boy was sick...and so was mommy...and daddy worked late so I wasn't too optimistic about it all.  However...it's a new day. 

Also, for some reason I've had a Caedmon's Call song stuck in my head called "Ballad of San Francisco".  It's pretty catchy.  Love that band...too bad Derek Webb left. 

On a completly random note...I have to throw this in.  I'm copying off of a blog idea from my pal Meagan on this one.  I LOVE to cook...and I have to tell you about this amazing pasta that I made last night.  One of my favorite things about cooking is ... the internet.  Yeah, I've got the Betty Crocker and he Better Homes and Gardens Cookbook for the essentials...and I refer to them all of the time.  But, when I'm looking for somethiing different...it is kraftfoods.com baby!  Also, I love foodnetwork.com as well.  Sometimes they are too complicated though...kraft is usually much easier.  Anyways, they send emails weekly with different recipe ideas and yesterday was 10 different pastas.  So yeah...um...i LOVE pasta...you can probably tell by looking at my hips...LOL.  This one was creamy chicken pasta...or something like that.  It technically was the "smart" version of the recipe...which is supposed to mean that it is healthy...but it was a whopping 11 points per serving...so..I only had a little bit.  I also changed it up a bit.  I'll work on making it a little healthier later but for now it is whole wheat pasta (I used rotini), diced tomatoes, oregano, basil, garlic, onions, green pepper, salt, pepper, neufachel (sp) cheese, and parmasean cheese.  You pretty much just mix it all together.  It was amazing.  My husband even said so.  Thanks kraftfoods.com.  It was nice to eat something other than saltine crackers and oatmeal for a change.  Until tomorrow's Top 10 Things...bye!  

The Top Ten Things...I love about my parents

I've been appreciating my parents a whole lot more than ever now that I am a parent.  I know that I am a new parent...but as I think ahead of the things to come in my journey, I want to recongize how wonderful my parents are and how much I love them.  So...the the top ten things I love about my parents:

10.  They sacrificed to make sure that I had all of the opportunites to turn out okay. 
9.  They have a really good work ethic.
8.  They taught me to love God, to glorify Him with my life, and to know how to recognize the Holy Spirit's work in my life.
7.  They babysit my son.
6.  They love God.
5.  They have a lot of experience with a lot of different things and I ask them for advice...a lot.
4.  My mom can cook, bake, or sew anything. 
3.  My dad can fix anything.
2.  They taught me the value of family.
1.  They love me and my family. 

"Refinancing"

For those of you who know me well...You may have heard me say that credit cards are from the pit of hell.  Well...in my opinion, they truly are.  In our culture, I think it is the closest and most common form of slavery that we can experience.  Funny...the Bible says so too...

Train up a child in the way he should go,
Even when he is old he will not depart from it.
The rich rules over the poor,
And the borrower becomes the lender's slave.
Proverbs 22:6-7
 
I was listening to a speaker today...whom will remain anonymous for now...and they mentioned this verse in the context of raising children with a healthy view of money.  They were also claiming that the way that you spend your money determines the kind of values you possess.  Interesting...
 
I've struggled with money...the spending of it...in my life.  Somewhere along the road I learned that opening a credit card account was a rite of passage as an adult.  I was so excited to get my first Capital One Visa with a $200 limit!  (At the time, that was all that they would give me).  Unfortunatly, I was later rewarded with limit increases surpassing the thousands.  Our culture is truly screwed up.  Please don't hear me blaming anyone...I know that I made my own choices and have worked very hard to bring myself out of that pit that I got into.  This same person told a story of how they told their child to go down to the bank and apologize to them for bouncing their first check because it was a LIE.  How convicting!  We are training our children to lie, beg, borrow, and steal in order to live?!  No wonder there are so many anxiety disorders in the world!  When we are financially insecure...we harbor guilt, resentment, and...well...insecurity.  But we continue to fall deeper into that pit of slavery to our master...  We have lost the value of work...we preach about helping the poor but in turn enable them to sit on their butts and milk the welfare system.  Again...please don't read into that...obviously I believe in helping the poor...I'm just wondering if we need to redefine poor.  And while we're at it...maybe redefine help. 
 
So, I'm convicted.  I want to live my values in the way that I spend (and save) my money.  I'm on a journey of refinancing.  Thoughts?
 
P.S.  Coming soon to the finer days... "True Confessions of a Pastor's Wife"  By putting it here...I will commit to doing it...but I want to pray through it...not that it will change the world...but that I think it needs to be said. 

The Top Ten Things...I love about Easter.

10. Days off work!  Today Dan went into work at his normal time.  10 minutes later he walks into the room...scares the crap out of me...and says...no one was at church!  I think i have the day off!

9. Warm weather.  This is not a popular one for northeast Ohio.  I have many many memories of snowy easter egg hunts and having to wear winter coats over our new easter clothes...but this year we've got it! 

8. New clothes!  I haven't always gotten new clothes for easter, but I have lots of memories shopping with mom for an easter dress.  Last year, I was pregnant and remember feeling down because I couldn't find anything cute that fit me...but this year...got a new dress...and a new outfit for Micah!

7. Easter egg hunts.  I still am not quite sure what eggs have to do with the resurrection...yeah I get the whole "new life" thing...but it seems silly to me.  Regardless...it is a fun tradition.  Growing up, my grandparents always had us over on Saturday night before Easter Sunday to color easter eggs.  And, they always had like 14 dozen or something...seriously.  We always made 1st, 2nd, and 3rd prize eggs for the hunt...and it was some serious competition.  I remember one year accidentally stumbling across some of the prizes for the winners...a large container of bubbles!

6.  Easter baskets.  Mom and dad always got us easter baskets.  They always contained candy (sometimes homemade) and some kind of cool thing like earrings or socks...or a bunny.  The part that was the most fun was that they would hide the baskets somewhere in the house and we'd have to find them. 

5.  New blooms.  Again, this isn't always a given in northeast Ohio, but i do enjoy the new grass, flowers, and leaves that are starting to appear.  It is also a good time to see your neighbors again!  Everyone is out doing yardwork and cleaning up from the winter.

4.  Family time.  Easter provides the opportunity for our family to get together again.  I love it.  We don't even have to do anything...but we are together eating a lot of food and just hanging out.  This year it will be our first Easter with Micah...and I'm so excited to start new traditions with him. 

3.  Church services.  I know that Easter is the one day a year that many people go to church...for me it is exciting to feel the buzz of new people in the services.  It is also fun to watch all of the little kids in their uncomfortable outfits.  It is a special day...and I love it. 

2. Jesus.  I mean it's all about him right?  For me, Easter is a time when I get emotional about the cross.  It is a time to remember and to stand in awe of his sacrifice.  Even more, to think about the implications of the empty grave.  Without the resurrection...there is no reason to be a Christian.  I'm thankful for this time to be reminded of it all. 

1.  I ran out of things...so HAPPY RESURRECTION DAY...and Happy Easter. 

Top Ten Things...I want to accomplish in my lifetime...

So, I always liked David Letterman's Top Ten Lists...and I think it will help me contain some of my randomness...so...I thought of a few in the shower this morning.

The top 10 things that I want to accomplish in my lifetime. (In no particular order)
10. Have more children...I'm thinking along the odd numbers...like 3 or 5 (Lord willing!)
9. Get a Ph.D. in Marriage and Family Therapy...or something similar (one of my future top 10 lists will be the top 10 reasons why I'm scared to death to get a Ph.D.)
8. Stay married to Daniel for life.
7. Stay committed to Christ and involved in ministry.
6. Get back to and stay in a healthy weight range.
5. Go on a mission trip with my husband...and someday with my children.
4. Get a fancy camera and take good pictures so I don't forget all of the memories.
3. Be debt free.
2. Raise my children to love God, love people, live surrendered (borrowed that one from COD).
1. Go back to Italy so that I can finally see the Sistine Chapel. (I went when I was 16 and we weren't allowed to go in because the line was too long...so ticked about that).

Thoughts for Today

I started reading "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore yesterday. So far it's good. Her simulcast is coming up on April 24 at our church so I'm trying to get pumped up and informed! While I'm reading it, I'm thinking of so many other women that I want to take with me. It is heart-breaking to me that we deal with insecurity the way that we do. She made an interesting point...that when we are insecure, we also lack faith. We doubt not only ourselves, but we doubt God about ourselves. If God has chosen me to be his child...why am I doubting the gifts he has given to me? I've dealt with insecurity in various ways during my life and am hoping that this book will guide me as I dig deeper for answers.

I've also been thinking about the whole concept of temptation. Our pastor preached a two-part series on this topic and man...he nailed it. The first week I was taking it all in with my "therapist brain" which means that I was thinking of how the information could help so many people. The next week...it truly hit home. Probably because he used specific examples...and because apparently God had something to tell me. Oh the ways in which God works...Sometimes it isn't so easy to flee. So...that is another thing that I'll be working on.

On a lighter note...have I mentioned how BLESSED I am? I had a wonderful day yesterday with my mom and my son. We had good conversation, the weather was beautiful, and my baby boy was pretty much an angel. Then, my husband made dinner for me and we had a great night together. Now if that doesn't help with the whole security thing...I don't know what will...

Books that are currently on my shelf...

-And Baby Makes Three
-Raising and Emotionally Healthy Child
-Come Away My Beloved
-Why Marriages Succeed or Fail
-The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
-Shepherding a Child's Heart
-Families Where Grace is in Place
-Making Judgements Without Being Judgemental
-Type Talk
-So Long Insecurity

New to blogging...well sort of...

So I'm new to blogging...I've always been unsure of whether or not I wanted my life splattered on the internet. But I've decided to try it. I've got some figuring out to do...not sure how all of the customizing works. But, I will get it. For now...stay tuned...there is lots to say for an extrovert like me.