Merry Christmas to me!

Last week, Micah was assessed by a specialist that deals with reflex integration.  (Let me just remind you that I am no medical professional.  I feel like I need to attend medical school just to keep up a working knowledge of all that is discussed at these appointments).  Apparently, Micah has retained most of the reflexes that babies have.  (I'm still learning about what these are...so I can't really explain this in detail).  These reflexes should integrate by age 1 and make way for a higher level of development to take place.  But, if they stick around they inhibit things like sensing, perceiving, listening, talking, playing, riding a bike, drawing, reading, writing, catching a ball, and maintaining balance (all of which are issues for Micah).  The appointment went just okay.  Micah had a hard time...I think he knows that something is not right with him and he just kept getting frustrated.  But she was able to get the information that she needed.

Today I met with her to review the results.  Again, all of the information was pretty overwhelming and I would do such a disservice to the field to even try to explain it.  But, for the first time I felt as if we understood Micah!  Everything she said made so much sense.  Even more than that was the fact that there is a program that works with kids like Micah!  It will take a while (18-24 months) and it requires us to do specific exercises every day, but she said that we should see small improvements pretty quickly.  We were able to talk about some of the issues that we are really struggling with (such as sleep/startle issues) and she actually had explanations!  We've felt so lonely for such a long time because everyone just seemed "puzzled" by Micah.  So, to say that I was excited and a little bit giddy is an understatement.  I realize that we have a lot of work and more frustration ahead of us...but to hear that there could be a reason and a treatment is just the most amazing thing ever.  Merry Christmas to me...

Until the next time :-), C

P.S. Stay tuned to hear about how our little family has been laying hands on each other and praying together...and the answers to prayer that we are seeing :).

Quick update

Some people think facebook is dumb...a waste of time...a place where people share too much information.  I think all of those people are poo heads.  I get a ton of encouragement and prayer support from sharing things on facebook.  And trust me...I don't share the half of it...there is plenty that I keep to myself and my close support circle.  All of that to say...thank you, readers for praying and texting me with your encouragement.  It means the world to me...for real.

Our appointment today was anticlimactic.  The doc isn't sure whether or not the braces will help Micah.  And I don't feel like he really got a chance to see and understand Micah.  So I said "please give them to us anyway...please...and thank you."  Micah got to choose the print...they will have school buses and traffic lights on them.  Don't laugh...school buses are cool.  And the fact that he offered his feelings on the matter is even cooler.  I would've let him pick purple unicorns and bunnies if he wanted them just because I love hearing him talk.  (Ok...perhaps that is going too far...but you get the picture).  Micah did pretty well at the appointment.  Key factor is LET HIM HAVE THE iPAD.  Quit overthinking things and just spoil him a little.  Who cares...

I feel like I learn something new everyday.  Thanks friends.  Hey...did you know that we like hanging out with friends?  Let's get together soon!  We are craving community, so come on over.

Until the next time :-), C

PS. Here's a picture of a school bus to remind you of how cool they are.

just some ramblings...

Tomorrow I am taking Micah to see a pediatric doctor of orthotics.  Perhaps there is a fancier name...but that's all the fancy I can handle for now.  He is going to be assessed for some leg/foot braces.  I'm actually a little bit excited. I feel like we are doing some things that can really help him after a year of wondering, watching, and experimenting.  Please pray for him to have a successful appointment and that we get what we need.

I've also just completed the process/paperwork for a few different funding sources to help us with Micah's medical bills.  I have no idea how everything will turn out...but would you please pray that they will be successful?  I don't have much energy or brain power these days to do much...but I did it!

We had an IEP meeting with Micah's team at preschool last week.  Can I just say once more how much I love them?  They are amazing...I will never be able to say enough for how much they've helped us and cared for my son.  Anyway, one of the things that kept coming up was Micah's inconsistent progress.  He's making a tiny little bit of progress...but it tends to be great one day and non existent on the next day.  For some reason, in those meetings, I tend to think of Micah from a clinical viewpoint.   But, this particular day we all kinda realized that Micah just has really good days where he can jump on a trampoline and jibber jabber a mile a minute.  Then he has days where he just falls out of his chair for no reason.  It's baffling...it's sad...it's frustrating.  But we all talked about how hard it must be for him to know that sometimes he can jump and other times he just can't make it happen.  It breaks my heart to think of what he must feel sometimes.  I put myself in his shoes and realized how much strength he has.  I really don't give him enough credit.  Other times I think that I'm just being too emotional.

  I came across this little narrative yesterday on facebook:

I read this and my first thought was..."that's so cool...I can't imagine how that must feel...I want to salute my friends who have a child with special needs..."  Then I shared it...not even thinking twice.  Then I read it again...

That's totally me...(not that I'm asking for you to salute me).  I'm one of the moms that has been waiting for Micah to run without falling...to tell me what he wants...to tell me who he is and what he feels.  I've wanted so badly to have playdates...but they tend to end in tantrums.  We have so many bad days...and some good ones.  And yes...my child's best friends are Ms Mindy, Ms Holly, Ms Sandy, Ms Jan, and Ms Linda...he doesn't really name anyone else when we ask him.  I'm the mom that cries at conferences and doctor's offices...I'm the one that feels a knife in her heart when a 2 year old punk asks me what's wrong with my 4 year old (actually he was a sweet little boy that was just curious as to why Micah kept falling).  For some reason "special needs mom" still just doesn't resonate right away. I'm still learning to accept...man that's just hard sometimes.  

God must love me a lot to give me this dude:

And lets not forget my Hannah...my sanity...my little snug-a-bug who requires everyone to take a turn singing at the dinner table and who is never void of laughs:

Until the next time :-), C

Ministering from a broken heart

I feel like the past year of my life has been a great plot line for a horror/suspense film.  Yes, you get those short breaks filled with comic relief (insert my crazy toddlers here), but you still remain on the edge of your seat waiting for the next blow.  You cry out to God and trust that He is in control...that He will protect and keep...but then the unexpected happens yet again...and I'm not sure that I can take anymore.  

What do you do when you feel that strong calling on your life yet you're paralyzed?  In reality all you can do is get out of bed and try to face each new day?  How do you minister from a broken heart?  When it feels like you've already given everything?  When it really looks like all is lost?  

You just do.  That's it folks...it's all I've got.  That's my profound theological answer.  When all is lost and you can't breathe...you stand up and just do it anyway.  His strength and sustenance will follow.  You will look back and see...  In the moment it looks dreary. But He is faithful always.  I wish He'd just meet me at panera for a cup of coffee and spill it...the whys, the hows, the "what the crap were you thinkings", but alas only Moses got those goods.  It's ok...I'll wait.  

And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you  

(Lyrics by Lifehouse)

Until the next time :-), C

It all comes back to Him

Until we understand our feelings, our ability to be wrong, and our propensity to hurt others, we will never fully understand the power, unconditional love, forgiveness and true nature of our God.  We are human, we are fallible, we are sinners.  So why do we live life as if we are good?  Why are we prideful?  Why do we refuse to resolve conflict quickly, admit to our mistakes, and hold grudges?  Do we gain anything by refusing to do so?  We are left with a sense of pride and accomplishment…but something eats away…way down in the pit of our stomachs…things get more complicated.  

I know…I've been there…on both sides.  As a counselor, I not only worked with those who have mental illness (which can stem from unforgiveness, unresolved conflict etc.) but I also spent a LONG time studying the mind…behavior…people…myself…God.  I am no expert for sure.  I've studied long and hard…read the books…wrote the papers…gone to my own counselor...listened to people's stories…looked into their eyes…watched their body language…nursed their hurts…cried with them…and you know what I learned?  That there is a whole lot more that I have to learn.  That's it…that's all college taught me…the extent of what I DON'T know.  It made me teachable…it humbled me.  It gave me an awareness of how incredibly BIG God is.  It showed me how much I need him.  And when I experience pain…and feel lonelier than I've ever felt in my life I'm reminded of that BIG and powerful God who is all-knowing and loves me unconditionally.

What's the takeaway?  Stop wasting life…dig deep!  Confront sin…deal with it…seek to understand yourself…others…God.  Make amends…set boundaries.  Guess what?  God gave us those feelings for a reason!  They are not bad or sinful.  Our behavior is what can be sinful…our thoughts…our actions.  I think everyone needs a good counselor.  (Not just because I need job security).  Because everyone benefits when we sit down and process through what is going on in our incredibly messy heads…when we invite God into that process to reveal what he's doing…or perhaps just to receive his comfort.  We can be heard…we can be acknowledged for whatever it is that we feel…good or bad.  God won't be surprised…he will be honored because we are pursuing him in the process.  It all comes back to him…It all comes back to him.  

What have you been taught about feelings?  What are some ways that you deal with them?  What keeps you from seeing a counselor?

Until the next time :-), C

Happy Birthday Micah!

My little guy turned 4 a few weeks ago and I wanted to share our memories with you.  Micah has had a tough year and he's worked really hard.  I was so excited to celebrate him with a few of my favorite little people :).

Cake!  This was made by the amazing people at Convenient!

Girls! Girls! Girls!

So happy...

Blow out the candles!

This kid loves cake.

Smile!

Choo choos, and other awesome presents!

Yes, he was there too ;-)

Until the next time :-), C

Big Boys Ride the Bus!

Today my little boy rode a huge school bus for the first time!  He did great!  (Better than his momma!). He was glowing when he got home.  I can't even express how proud I am of him. He's come such a long way since last year at this time.   He's worked hard and we will celebrate him later this week as he turns 4!!!!  Here's some pics of today :)

Where's the bus?

Um...where's the bus?

There it is!!!  (And, oh dear I need to redo my highlights).  

Daddy always makes it memorable...this is the moment right before I burst into tears.  

We'll get there

Yesterday was the first time I felt judged by someone because of my son's difficulties.  Micah is going through a difficult time right now...I'm not exactly sure what the issue is...but he is struggling.  I'm thinking that he is just learning so many new things and becoming aware of so many new things that he is just more overwhelmed than ever...and overwhelmed=tantrums about every 10 minutes or so.  I know that we just have to push through it...as I've started to say "we'll get there".  Last night we went out to eat (which we NEVER do except for the fact that we are on vacation (I will write about that later) and have a dining plan).  Restaurants are particularly overwhelming because of all that is going on, the people, and the noise.  So, naturally, he just had a huge meltdown.  Our server was absolutely amazing and took our kids' orders and had their food and drinks to our table in less than 5 minutes.  (That raised her tip about 100%).  While it was all happening, I heard two tables near us talking about parenting and how to punish children.  Dan took Micah outside to try to calm him down as well as to minimize the inconvenience for the other people.  A couple approached as they were to be seated and replied "can we please sit somewhere else?".  No, they weren't mean...no they weren't unreasonable...but it broke my heart :(.  I literally bit my lip because I was about to burst into tears.  I'm pretty direct...I don't mind speaking my mind (as many of you know...) but for some reason this time was different.  Next to me was my 2 year old crazy girl who was jumping on the seat and belting out her super cute version of the B-I-B-L-E.  (We have started calling her our little evangelist).  So she brought me out of my own little meltdown.

As I continue to learn about him and watch him in his everyday life, the more I feel like I love him.  He is so incredibly unique...and in some ways I felt sorry for the people who couldn't sit next to us...they were missing out big time.  When you look at Micah most of the time you wouldn't know that anything was challenging for him.  But, the more you know him the more you can see.  I'm realizing that one of my difficulties is when people tell me "he's fine!".  It hurts a little...because it tells me that they don't see him.  He isn't fine.  He is exactly who God created him to be...but he does struggle and to truly know and love him, one must understand his struggles.  But this time people noticed him...they probably thought he was just a "normal" kid with bad parents or perhaps just a "normal" kid having a "normal tantrum".  Anyway, the incident changed me a bit.  Perhaps it will make me stronger...I will always be his advocate and I will never be ashamed of him.  Maybe God will use this to help me for the next time...

Until the next time :)
-C

God is good, all the time

Today is the day that I thought I was to become a mom of 3.  Yep, i just smacked you in the face with that one didn't I?  I'm choosing to write about it because I need to put it somewhere.  I just need someone to know that today is important.    

Can you imagine?  3 under 3?  Yeah, it was a bit of a surprise for us too...but we were thrilled.  Something told me to keep this one quiet for a while though.  While everyone else was announcing their pregnancies (and man were there a lot!!!) I held my tongue.  Things seemed very normal...I was fatigued and nauseous right on schedule...and my pants got tight pretty quickly.  I was anticipating our first doctor's appointment...because that's when it feels real!  At 11 weeks I was just bursting with anticipation to hear that heartbeat so that we could tell everybody.  

That awful Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday night are nights that I will never forget.  I will never forget.  I feel like I aged 30 years that weekend.  I experienced something so incredibly awful....something that no one should ever have to experience.  I became a colleague to those in the community of mothers who lost a child.  Though I had longed to be able to empathize with those mothers in the past, I never dreamed that I would be able to understand so well.  My baby died.  He died.  He DIED!  How surreal...I wasn't grown up enough yet to have to deal with something so tragic.  My heart was broken into a million pieces...

In the midst of all of the pain, God definitely showed up...he really and truly did.  He was the Father that I needed at that moment.  He didn't take away the pain, but I know he steadied me and kept me alive during the darkest nights of my life.  There was no one who could make it better...but he showed up big time.  From the nurses who cried in my bed with me...to the pastor at the coffee shop...to the girls who took care of my babies while I grieved their sibling...to the pro life doctor who wasn't afraid to tell me that he valued any trace of life within me...yes, my God showed up big time.  His mercies are new every morning...and I clung to that like never before.  I'll never know why...I have some guesses...but nevertheless...God is good all the time.  I will trust him.  He is faithful.  I've never longed for heaven as much as I have after that weekend.  

I can only imagine what it would be like to deliver a baby today.    Micah would be the best big brother again.  He would be trying to kiss him/her...Hannah would probably be a bit jealous...but she would come around to be my little helper.  Dan would probably need a drink (lol)...but he would be thrilled and he would show up to be the best dad for the third time.  He would be catering to my every need.  I, well, I'd probably cry for about a week just trying to acclimate myself to the new reality of three toddlers...but my mommy heart would be full of joy.  I would be cherishing those baby moments.  

It's okay...really...God has healed something in me.  I have unexplainable peace that my God is the keeper of my child.  My little "Eb" we love you and wish that we could've met you.  But for now we trust that you are definitely in a better place.

Until my next ramblings...

C

A walk through my childhood

Recently I started looking for children's music and books on tape from the Christian bookstore for my kids.  It seemed like it shouldn't be too difficult...Growing up my parents owned a Christian bookstore...so needless to say...I was quite blessed with the latest Christian material.  I wasn't the greatest reader...but I LOVED music and I listened to dozens of children's books on tape.  Call me biased, but there is no bookstore as good as my parent's...today's versions just don't quite measure up.  Frustrated I searched the internet for some of the titles that I remembered from my childhood...and couldn't find anything.  So, I started digging through my old stuff that my parent's packed up for me when they moved.  I found boxes of the tapes that I used to listen to!  I searched online and ended up finding a converter for cassette tapes.  So, for the past few days I've been listening to all of my tapes as I convert them to MP3's.  Wow...they bring back so many memories.  I used to have some sleep trouble...and these gems really helped me out.  I'm hoping that my kids will be able to enjoy them as much as I did.  

What helped you fall asleep as a kid?  What kinds of music did you listen to?

Joy

Ugh...I just wrote this great blog post and lost it somehow....Apparently I really needed to get it out...because it is GONE! Anyway, I've been in quite a funk for the past two days...but today I feel brand new! This journey of understanding my son is quite a roller coaster and it is interesting how seeing a doctor just unravels me! I start seeing him through the eyes of science and medicine...I perform little tests on him to see if I can rule things out (LOL), I worry about the unknown, I try to research everything...and I'm just a complete mess. But through all the worry and anxiety I could hear God reminding me of what a treasure my children are to me. When I see him through God's eyes...I see a little man who is full of compassion and spirit. I see a little man who will do amazing things for God. In addition, God has completely changed me in the past 3 1/2 years...that girl I used to be is no more! No matter how Micah may change or struggle in the future, I think understanding him and knowing him just makes me love him even more. God has given us the gift of connection and today I am feeling such joy because of it.

I have to thank you for all of your kind words. I received so many messages from friends telling me that they are walking with me and praying for our little guy. It is such a risk to put yourself out there...and I'm always fearful...but I'm thankful for your kind words and prayer. To those who have asked what I need...here it is: Please love my son...please love my son! There is no greater joy than when I see someone enjoy Micah (and Hannah too). He requires a little patience and understanding...but when you sit on the floor and let him speak to you...your heart will grow. He will come to some hard times...when kids are cruel and people wonder why he is different. My prayer is that he will be surrounded with loving people like you who love him exactly for who he is and can see the great things that he has to offer the world.

It is a beautiful day...and I am off to enjoy it. Here's another little glimpse of my little man :)

God Bless!

The big bad word of the day

Today was not the best day. We took Micah to his first neurology appointment at the Cleveland Clinic. I hate taking him to the doctor. I feel like each time we go to an appointment, we return discouraged, scared, confused, sad, and usually full of more questions that when we started. It takes us a few days to reset and then we can get back to normal. Perhaps this is the normal course for trying to figure out what is wrong with your kid? The big bad word today is ATAXIA. What is it? Who knows...I'm still trying to understand. I tried my best to hear the doctor...but I was trying so hard not to cry I think my brain just kinda stopped working. According to the internet it is something really scary. The doctor is concerned enough to order an MRI and then we can see him in 4 months. Hopefully we can wait that long. I'm freaking out...I don't even know how to ask questions...I've never thought of this being quite so serious. I don't really know what to do with it...

God, I remember that you love him more than I do. I remember that none of this is a surprise to you. I remember that he is a gift from you...and I do cherish and enjoy him immensely. His smile can light up my life in an instant. Oh God, I want to keep my baby...I also don't want him to suffer. I'm not sure how to pray...God...give me strength.

Why I stepped away from actively fighting human trafficking

Those of you that know me or have seen my posts on Facebook will know that for a period of time I was very passionate about anti-human trafficking efforts in our area.  I hosted classes, fund raising events, researched, studied, passed out soap, sat in Cleveland court rooms etc.  While I am still passionate about my stand against this crime and my desire to help restore victims, I have chosen to step away from active involvement for now.  I feel like I owe an explanation so as not to look like a fair weathered advocate. 

I won't share all of the details, but I will say that for some reason God laid this issue on my heart.  Perhaps I jumped at the chance to get involved because I was looking for something to do after I left my job, or perhaps I just was so bothered by the issue that I had to act.  It was probably a bit of both actually.  Either way, I do believe that God has a purpose for all things and I don't regret my brief involvement.  I trust that God will use this experience in my life for His glory.  The truth is that the enemy is heavily involved in human trafficking...that is probably an understatement.  I truly believe that he wanted me to be discouraged...which I was most of the time.  I also wonder if God was ever calling me to this work or if it was something that I just wanted to do?  I continued to run into roadblock after discouraging roadblock.  I continued to have this feeling of dread...I ran into ugly turf wars about who was "allowed" to talk about anti trafficking and who wasn't.  I was called fearful and accused of not being a "go getter".  All along I felt like it was just the enemy..and it probably was...but I wonder too if it was also the fact that God wasn't in it?  Why wouldn't God want me to fight human trafficking?  As awful as it is he HAD to be calling me to be involved, right?  Perhaps not...

Sometimes I think we feel like we can do everything...or that we SHOULD do everything.  With Facebook, Pinterest, and blogs like this one, I think we tend to compare ourselves to everyone else. We feel like we have to raise our kids like James Dobson did, or cook like the pioneer woman in order to be a good wife/mom/woman/child of god?  The truth is that God calls us uniquely...he doesn't ask us to do all of the good things...and he doesn't ask us to do things the same way.  There are a lot of people who are doing things differently or better than me...but that has to be ok. I can only do what God has asked me to...and those other things will just have to wait...maybe indefinitely.  

So, while I'm not actively rescuing women from sex trafficking, I am still committed to educate, raise awareness, and financially support organizations/people that are (see www.joeandsarahpouliot.com).  Right now it is pretty crystal clear that God has called me to know him more deeply, love and care for my husband, parent my children, and to minister in our church.  My new adventure is a ministry called Mommyhood.  I'll talk about this later... :)

Have you ever got involved in something that looking back you felt as if you may have "jumped the gun" on God?

I cry during worship...

Yes...it's true.  Almost every Sunday.  I think music just speaks to me on a different level.  I can be singing along and the words will just hit me!  The tears just start pouring and I wonder why I bothered to put mascara on.  Not to mention the fact that I never have tissues.  My husband carries a hankie...but let's face it...that's just gross.  Inevitably I end up wiping my mascara filled lashes with my sleeve and I just pray that the snot stays in.  It's a mess...and usually I'm sitting in the front where I feel like everyone can see me.  So, the next time y ou're in church and see the blubbering woman in front of you, don't assume that she's having marriage problems or confessing some big sin...just know that it's probably me being moved by the HS during some worship.  

Here's the song that did it for me this past Sunday.  I'll tell you why in an upcoming post that will be much more difficult to write...

Do you ever get emotional during worship?

Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I've come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wondering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
Let Thy goodness like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above

Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above

Acceptance

I saw this quote today.  I'm struggling with this...not because I don't accept my son...but because I'm trying so hard to figure him out.  He has become my full time job.  I think my frustration increases because deep down my fear is triggered each time he struggles.  My 2 year old is progressing wonderfully.  I'm so excited for her and I'm so proud of her but I have to admit that my heart breaks every time she does something that her big brother can't.  How do I support both of my children when their needs are so incredibly different?  Do I cheer her on as she soars through the air on the trampoline while Micah watches...knowing that he can't even jump?  When does this fear go away?  I feel like understanding him is the key to parenting him...but perhaps I need to work on just accepting him for right now?  I'm sure that a lot of parents go through this.  

Next week we see his developmental pediatrician to follow up hopefully gain some more understanding.  We were able to schedule an appointment with a highly recommended pediatric neurologist for April...I'm actually really looking forward to that appointment.  Yesterday I fired one of his therapists because I had an unsettled feeling about it after 3 sessions.  I tried to be professional...I practiced using kind words that were honest but gentle.  In the end, I may have hurt the person's feelings...but I have to listen to that intuition...I believe that God uses that feeling to tell me things.  In the end, I feel a huge relief to be done with it...and God gave me a glimpse of a new opportunity that may be possible in the near future with Micah's therapy.  

I'm reading this book with a group of ladies that God brought to my life at just the right time.  The book is Unglued:  Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions by Lysa TerKeurst.  One of the things that we're learning is how we usually deal with conflict by exploding or stuffing...I was tempted to stuff yesterday for fear of hurting someone even though inside I was struggling.  The goal is to balance honesty with Godliness...hopefully I did that even though the person may have been hurt.  

Ugh...I need a spa day...

Therapy, Therapy, Therapy, Oh My!

In June, I left my job. In September, we learned that our son Micah had some fairly moderate developmental delays. In November we were jolted into this new reality of having a "child with disabilities"...or at least that's what I keep hearing. When did my son become "disabled"? And why does everyone use these new politically correct terms to communicate about children with special needs? It is all so overwhelming! Let's backup...

Micah is an amazing kid...my firstborn...he is just a huge chunk of my heart that spilled out into the form of a little boy. Raising him these 3 1/2 little years has not been easy...we've had tantrums, night terrors, spiritual warfare, and all kinds of crazy stuff. I've always wondered if there was something going on in him that I couldn't quite put my finger on. But then again, I was a first time mom and EVERYTHING was unfamiliar. Fast forward to September 2012 when we took Micah in for his 3 year old well child visit. The doctor spent about 5 minutes with him and said "you need to schedule an appointment with a developmental pediatrician and neurologist". My response: "Why?, what the heck is a developmental pediatrician?" I actually had to google it. As it turns out, there are waiting lists for these doctors that stretch out to a year! I'm choosing to believe that God was working...and we got him in 45 days later. In the meantime, my once boring and mundane schedule was flipped into a hurried mess of assessments, testing, interviews, conferences, research, tears, anxiety...shall I continue? Through it all, our experience has been pretty positive. I know that God has gone before us and mapped out a path that is full of caring and knowledgeable people that just love my son. He is growing! He seems pretty happy! (as long as his daddy doesn't leave town) I, on the other hand, am a bit of a mess. I had enough pressure on me trying to raise two toddlers, let alone the fact that even playing has to be work for my 3 year old son. In addition to keeping the house running, having a life in ministry, meeting the needs of my marriage, trying to still remain a woman, and being a mother...now I'm constantly pressured with "Is he saying this wrong? Fix your posture! Am I doing the right thing? What if I'm pushing him too hard? Use your spoon! Jump! Finish! Stop screaming! Will you hate me when you're grown? Am I ruining any chance of you having healthy attachment to relationships in the future? Oh, by the way, do you know that I love you even though I'm acting like a crazy lunatic whose brain jumped out of her head about 3 months ago? I'm sorry...mommy's learning too..." Yeah, just call me Christy Train-Wreck Samms...that's who I've become.

So, our days went from trying to figure out how to keep two toddlers entertained all day until Daddy came home...to...a flurry of preschool, OT, PT, and speech therapy. I constantly receive "advice" and "encouragement" from people who really feel like they know what they're talking about...sometimes it really rattles me. Often I am barraged with terms that I've never heard of, I'm grasping for the politically correct term to refer to a child in fear of offending someone, and let's face it...there just isn't enough time to google everything. The medical bills are mounting...and at the end of the day crying just doesn't always seem to be enough. My body is physically exhausted, and we already talked about where my brain is...sometimes I just want to grab my son into my arms and just escape back into the world where ignorance was bliss. Funny, when I was deciding to leave my job I was wondering if I could handle all the down time. It's a good thing that God knows what he's doing.

Stupid Sandy-10/30/12

I'm not super sentimental...some moms cry over leaving their kids in the nursery, some cry over each milestone, some just plain freak out about everything!  Don't get me wrong, I love each stage of development and I often notice how fast my babies are growing up.  I just don't get very sad about it.  I do have my crazy traits though...I'm that mom who can't stand for a picture of her child to be "out there" without having a copy of it.  I'm that mom who takes a kid to a photo shoot and pays the hundred some odd dollars for the cd of all the pictures.  I can't stand for a picture to be lost/ruined/given away.  This is why I love digital pictures.  Well, today STUPID SANDY decided to come into my house (literally) and damage all of my precious keepsakes...including my pictures.  As I'm peeling through all of my pictures and scrapbook supplies I couldn't help but dream about a time machine that I could step into...go back in time, and store all of my pictures on Daniel's side of the bed...(he could just sleep on the floor or something :)  I threw my children in the garbage...or at least that is what it felt like. After a while I got angry enough to stick it to Sandy and pulled all of my pictures out of the trash...and this is what I've been doing all night:

You see, I'd rather have damaged pictures than throw my memories in the trash.  Yes, I have digital backups...but its just my weird thing...don't judge me :).  And yes, all of my precious things were in plastic bins with tight fitting lids...but Sandy still got to them.  

Another surprise that I received was a large waterproof bin containing my small doll collection...full of water.  Apparently it has been filled with water before when our basement flooded...so needless to say they are ruined.  I'm still not giving up on them though...I'm working on cleaning them up...and again if they look crappy at least i have my memories.  

My life has just been crappy lately...lots of things have been happening.  After each blow, I ask God...why is this happening?  I know that God is good.  I know that He is here.  I know that he is in control.  I know all of his promises and I truly believe Him.  I don't really get any answers other than to trust.  I keep getting this image of later.  I know that God is preparing my little family for something big.  And I feel like God may be stripping us of everything that we think we need to hold onto.  I think He also forced me to look at my life (in pictures) to remind me of all that we have.  I've had such a good life and I continue to be so blessed.  

Look at me...the pessimist is finding a glass half full.............