Tuesday, November 15, 2011


Running into some roadblocks...KEEP PRAYING! I know how Satan works. He has been trying to discourage me since the day I accepted Christ. He knows that I will see him coming in the weird stuff and the big stuff (tragedies, spooky things). But in the everyday confusion and struggles...I don't always remain focused. If we are to get involved in the process of ending human trafficking, we WILL be fought. We already are. Will you continue to pray?

Friday, November 11, 2011

Specific prayer need for today

I just emailed Judge Angela Stokes who has started Project HOPE, a similar program to CATCH, and asked to meet with her.  (These projects focus on offering women who have been arrested for solicitation a chance to enter a treatment program as an alternative to jail time etc.)  These women are victims of human trafficking (trust me, I heard their stories yesterday).  Will you pray that the judge will read my email and respond?  Will you pray that I will have the opportunity to see Project HOPE in the same way that I got to attend CATCH?  Will you pray that this will happen soon?

Thanks :-)

Read about Project HOPE here.  Also, see this excerpt below:

Prostitution often referred to as human sex
trafficking is not a victimless crime. The act of
prostitution can physically and emotionally
destroy offenders while negatively impacting the
neighborhoods where it is most prevalent. In
1998, Judge Angela R. Stokes established
Project HOPE (Holistic Opportunities and
Preventative Education) which is the Cleveland
Municipal Court's rehabilitative program for
prostitution offenders. Project HOPE's mission is
to use the criminal justice system not only to stop
the commission of these crimes, but also to see
the offenders as victims in need of serious life
changes to reduce recidivism and help them become productive members of
our communities.
Through Project HOPE, referrals are made for alcohol/drug abuse assessments
for treatment and counseling, mental health assessments and counseling,
recovery support groups, vocational skills assessments and training,
GED classes and higher education, social services and temporary housing
services. The participants of Project HOPE have two years to successfully
complete the curriculum and individually designed conditions.
Judge Stokes founded the "Come and See Speakers Bureau" whereby
community agencies provide dynamic speakers who are "Ambassadors of
Hope" and voluntarily give presentations at the monthly Project HOPE compliance
dockets because of their belief in Project HOPE and its participants.
Project HOPE is honored and thankful for the dedicated speakers from the
Cleveland Clinic Foundation's Community Outreach Program, Dress For
Success, Cornerstone of Hope, Cuyahoga County Child Enforcement
Agency and many other organizations.
Project HOPE has an Advisory Board which includes two former graduates
of Project HOPE, each of whom has eleven years off the streets. The
mentoring program for the participants of Project HOPE is in the process of
being expanded. Another goal is to establish a Project HOPE home.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

My day in court...

Today, my husband Dan and I traveled to Columbus to meet with Judge Paul Herbert (CATCH Court) and some ladies that work for Doma (an organization that is involved in ending human trafficking in Columbus).  I am a visual and experiential learner and was having a hard time understanding what CATCH and Doma were doing.  Today, I witnessed it.  Today ranks up there with some of the most memorable days of my life.  Learn more about CATCH court here.  What an amazing experience...the women are absolutely beautiful.  They are honest, they are open, they are grateful for the simple things.  THIS IS CRAZY!!!!  God is working in these women and with these people!  There is a buzz already in place here in NE Ohio.  So, our kickoff event is scheduled for March 2012 at Church of the Open Door in Elyria.  Mark your calendars...and be there.  You will want to be will have no choice.  Give me 7 minutes below to show you what God is doing in Columbus and what we are planning to do in Greater Cleveland:  (if the music is playing, you can pause it by scrolling all the way down to the bottom of my blog)

I am gathering my team...and I need a variety of gifts and skill sets.  How will you be involved in ending slavery in NE Ohio?

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

For those interested in anti-human trafficking...prayers appreciated

This week I have received some kind of miraculous motivation to get moving on the Anti-Human Trafficking Initiative at our church.  I've been chatting with some amazing people and learning so many things.  God is moving and I am on FIRE!  With that said, tomorrow my husband and I are attending a very important meeting with two people that are involved in hands on work with victims of HT.  They want to help us in our efforts and are graciously allowing us to be a part of their work for the day. I am so excited that I want to pee myself.  (I won't...I promise).  Will you pray?  Pray that God goes before us and shows us exactly the steps that we should take next.  Pray that we have clarity and unity.  Pray against the enemies plans to thwart our efforts as he is already scheming to create confusion, fear, and complacency.  

I can't wait to report back to you.  

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Taking some steps...

God continues to open doors and facilitate connections for me in this venture.  He also has closed doors.  Something that seemed so perfect and so right...and it's not happening.  So, on to plan B...and I'm very excited to hear what plan B is by the way.  Or, perhaps my plan B was God's plan A all along?  Who knows.  Part of what makes me nervous about this whole thing is the knowledge that God will stretch me and the enemy will fight me.  The pessimist in me is feeling very confident at the moment.  So, I will keep taking some steps.  In the meantime...want to look at the cute kids that are cheering me up today?

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Adventure Continues

Do you know that Human Trafficking is occurring in our own city?  On Saturday, a group from our church met with a lady who is a first responder to victims of Human Sex and LaborTrafficking/Sexual Assault in our county. This person was personally involved in the rescue of a people in Elyria, Avon, and Lorain...among others.  Do you know that traffickers made use of a hotel in Elyria?  Do you know that a person was a victim of labor trafficking at a restaurant near the mall?  The purpose of the meeting was to learn about what is being done in our area to combat HT and where our church can help to fill in the gaps.  The overwhelming response I keep getting from these meetings is "YES, we need and welcome your help!"  I'm continuing to do research on the topic.  I'm continuing to pray about what specifically God is asking me to do.  Right now, I am harboring some radical ideas.  I'm not ready to share them...because I have a tendency to think (and sometimes act) impulsively.  Will you join me in prayer?  My requests are that God will give me clear direction as to the steps that I need to take.  Another request is that he will prepare a team that will work with me.  (Is that you?)

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Trusting the Process

Insane...that's what yesterday was.  Absolutely insane!  I've been blabbing on the internet about how difficult the last year or so has been for me as I've transitioned into this new "mother of 2" role...and well, I finally got off my sorry butt and did something :-)  Now, I have no time to be bored and depressed :-)

I've been talking about human trafficking for the past month or so...and have been researching and communicating with a number of different people and organizations in the area with the goal of getting something started here in the Northeast Ohio area.  Yesterday, I met with a gal from an organization called doma who graciously gave her time to talk with me and a friend about where to start.  In that conversation, God flipped my world upside down.  It's that scary, excited feeling again...It's so easy...yet so complicated.  My head is spinning with ideas...some of the random ones are going to law school or getting a drug/alcohol counselor license.  I could so very easily get overwhelmed, but I can feel God's hand almost literally holding me up...not allowing me to run too fast...and not allowing me to step back either.  It's like he's saying, "Trust me, I've got the plan.  I will reveal a piece at a time as you are ready.  You just keep stepping slowly."  That's just insane.

There are a lot of fads within the church.  Someone recently told me that the issue of human trafficking is the new "sexy" thing for the church.  I know that it is possible to get really excited about something and then just stop because its too much...that's why I'm stepping slowly.  My life up to this point has been easy...with some bumps here and there...but easy and somewhat predictable.  I've accomplished a lot of good things and in some ways I feel like my story is good...but it would never make the best seller's list.  Not even for a week.  Perhaps God is authoring a new story in which I may be one of the main characters.  Donald Miller says that in order to have a good story, one must identify what they want and overcome conflict to get it.  Am I willing to take the risk in order to have a good story?  Am I willing to live my life in such a way that I become a key player in good stories?  God, help me...

Do you have any good stories?  Are you bothered by the issue of human sex trafficking?

Monday, August 15, 2011

Human Trafficking Part 2

The second organization that participated in the 'Night of Hope' event last week was Gracehaven.  This organization's mission is to to find and to free underage girls enslaved by child sex OHIO!!!! Not a million miles away...right here...within about 2 hours from where I live.  They have just finished renovations of house outside of Columbus, OH that will be able to house 10 girls at a time.  The focus is to provide home, hope, and healing for these girls.  They still need funding to get the house open.  Once they've done this...they want to replicate their work in Toledo and Cleveland.  Folks...this is the way to get involved right here in your own back yard.  Here's their website.  They are currently involved in a contest where they have the chance to win a lot of money for their project.  Visit here to vote for them to get the money.  You can vote 1 time per day.  You can also follow all of these charities on Facebook.  

In other exciting news...I just heard back from a judge in Columbus that is involved with ending human trafficking.  He wants me to call him.  I've also emailed a local judge, and an organization in our area that promotes awareness and programming to do the same.  I'm really excited :-)      

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Human Trafficking

Are you kidding me?!?!  Where in the world did this horrible atrocity come from????  The pit of hell...that's where.  No other being could be as crafty and evil as Satan.  It's a brilliant idea really...if you're looking to just take a woman made in the image of God and just smear her and degrade her to the depths of the pit of hell.  I can't even stand it.  It's an issue that the world cannot argue about.  There are no good sides of it.  There is no benefit.  I wish I could describe the details of how human trafficking is so horrible...but I'm afraid it would be too much to handle.  And...I don't think I even have the words.  So, instead...I want to share hope.

On Sunday, a dear friend and I took a little road trip to Columbus to attend "A Night of Hope".  The purpose of the event was to bring attention to the issue of human trafficking and highlight two local organizations and one international organization that were doing something about it.  So...I'm giving some free advertisement to these organizations.

The one that really tugged at my heart was As Our Own.  Pure and simple?  They adopt girls born in the brothels (hot commodities as they are) and raise their own.  (Does that not bring tears to your eyes?)  When these girls get married, they walk them down the aisle, when they go to college, As Our Own foots the bill, and when they come home for Christmas, they come home to the As Our Own family.  Ralph Borde (CEO of As Our Own) spoke that night and mentioned that the only hope that these women speak of is that one day their daughters would grow up and be able to take their place in the brothels.  Does that not make you crazy?!?!  This organization is changing all of that :-)  These girls are given the opportunity to not only survive, but to excel.  My guess is that these little ladies will be some of the best that India has to offer...and they will know Christ!  The stories shared are life changing...and I want to be part of everything they are doing.  Here's a link to their site.  I challenge you to get involved.

Friday, August 5, 2011


Yep, two posts in one day!  I've been thinking a lot about empathy lately.  A lot of people don't have it.  Most think that they do...but they don't.  I probably think I have it a lot of times and sometimes I really just don't.   Perhaps it is because we have a limited understanding of empathy.  One of my job descriptions as a counselor is to guide others in the process of making sense of their pain.  It requires empathy...a SKILL that one learns in grad school.  Interesting huh?  It's not necessarily a feeling...but a skill.  This means that we all have hope...hope in that we can learn to be empathetic.  Some people have a really difficult time understanding the difference between feeling with someone (empathy) and condoning what they are's like banging my head against the wall with some people trying to help them understand the difference.  When we can understand can make a world of difference.  

I was sitting in the waiting room of the sheriff's department a while back waiting for fingerprints for a background check.  An elderly woman walked up to the window and with a shaky voice asked if she could see her adult son who had apparently been arrested the previous night.  The desk clerk said "No, he cannot receive visitors for 24 hours".  The woman almost fell...and her friend (another elderly woman) reached out to steady her.  She asked if she could send him a message...the clerk replied with a firm tone..."No, not for 24 hours."  The woman began crying and saying "he's going to think that I don't care!".  Clerk lady just stared at her with a cold she wanted to say "next!".  I just heart breaking for the lady.  Another lady was sitting behind me hardly able to contain herself while she waited to speak to an officer about a restraining order that she had filed against her brother who continually tried to break into her home looking for drugs she had stashed.  She had young children and was scared out of her mind.  Her fear presented as anger...the clerk spoke to her as if she was stupid and didn't really give her any hope.  The clerk?  I actually felt sorry for her.  Had she had some empathy skills...she might not feel so overwhelmed with what apparently is a normal Monday morning at the sheriff's office.  I was able to interact with the woman sitting behind me.  I looked at her and said "are you okay?"  She began telling me her story again.  I said..."you sound really scared".  She seemed to calm down.  She said that she needed a cigarette.  I said "why don't you go outside, grab a cigarette, and I will let you know if they call your name..."  She said thanks...and ran outside.  No, I didn't change the world...I really didn't do as much as I wanted to.  But my heart just broke for these two women.  The truth was the truth...the elderly woman couldn't see her son for 24 hours (which was later that night...though the clerk didn't see the need to tell her that...).  The truth was that the restraining order was in process...but was slowed down because of the weekend.  But, a little empathy could have gone a long way in creating a calmer atmosphere.  I think sometimes we are afraid and/or uncomfortable with the other person's we don't know what to say or do with them.  The truth is that the other person doesn't need us to fix anything...they need us to listen.  To make it okay that they are feeling what they are feeling.  When we can can they.

What is your definition of empathy?  Have you ever been showed true empathy?

My life...

I know I say this every time...but WOW it's been a while since I've written anything here...I guess I kinda have my hands full.  Both kids are napping and I thought I'd sneak in quick blog post.  Today I was watching home videos of Micah (my almost 2 year old son) from when he was a baby.  My heart just broke a little as I realized how fast time has gone.  It also made me realize how my life has changed...and how challenging the last 2 years have been.  I can say with confidence that I am quite different than I used to be. Wow, do I love my kids.  Wow, do kids stretch you.  My temper isn't as short, I have a bit more patience.  I could be a breastfeeding expert given all of the trouble I've had with it.  I know how to make baby food.  Poop and vomit don't scare me.  I can function without sleep.  I'm content with my post-baby body.  I am no longer terrified of contractions...and I've pretty much had a natural birth.  I want to go to bed at 9 every night...and those kids who want to stay up until 11...well they are just too wild for me (wink, wink).  I'm a real grown up.  I used to feel guilty about staying in the house on a beautiful day...or staying in one room for the entire day doing nothing.  Now, that is my norm.  And I'm getting quite the workout.  There were times that I thought that I would never make it until my kids are 18...and I'm sure those feelings will return at times.  But, for the first time...I really feel like I can do it.  I'm usually quite the pessimist...but today I'm finding all kinds of positive things to say about my babies.

Micah, I love the way you speak in paragraphs...and no one has any idea what you are saying.  I love to hear you laugh.  I love it when you hug me...and pat me on the back with your little hand.  I love to see you dance.  I love it when my kisses make your boo boo's feel better.  You are my baby boy...and my stomach hurts when I think of how much I really love you.

Hannah, you are my sweet girl.  I couldn't imagine sharing my love with another baby...but you showed that I didn't have to.  I got to create new love for you.  You are so much different and much the same as your brother.  I love to hear you "talk".  I love how passionate and strong you already are (mommy's girl).  Your smile could make anyone have a better day.  I love to watch you watch your brother.  You already love him and I can sense the bond that the two of you will have as you grow up.  I love nursing you and having that time with just the two of us. I kinda wish you'd let me sleep more...but since I have to be up...I'm glad that its because I get to be with you.

Thanks, God for the gift of being a crazy mom to the most beautiful gifts in the world.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Sleep training

I've never before realized how vital sleep is to a person until I had a new baby.  In college, we tend to pride ourselves on the fact that we can pull all nighters and still make it to class the next day.  But there is just something about constant interrupted sleep that just pulls a person down.  I recently met a great lady who recommended the book "The Sleep Lady's Good Night Sleep Tight" by Kim West.  I welcomed it during the nap-less days with my toddler son.  But with a new baby, it has been really great to help me as I train her to sleep through the night.  I was just talking to a friend who mentioned older children that she knows that still have trouble sleeping through the night because they were never taught at a young age to do so.  Last night I tried some of Kim's suggestions with my almost 3 month old.  She is breastfed and sleeps pretty well...but she still wakes 1-3 times per night to eat.  I decided to try to get her back to sleep first before rushing to feed her.  Obviously if she was hungry and signaled that she wanted to eat I was ready to feed her...but she ended up going all night without eating.  Granted, I was up every couple hours offering her paci and shushing her...but she barely cried and slept wonderfully!!!!  I hope that as she learns to put herself back to sleep, I won't have to get up as much.  And, when I was was only for a minute or two.  There may be differing opinions on this...but it worked for us and I'm happy about that.  Do you have a child with sleep difficulties?  Kim West gives advice on children from birth to age 5.  She offers a gentle approach that neither spoils the child nor leaves them to scream for hours on end ;-)

Friday, March 25, 2011


Some of my best memories of childhood took place in the kitchen.  Mom was always cooking something...or so it seemed.  I remember hearing hours of Chuck Swindoll, Charles Stanley, Focus on the Family Broadcasts, and Larry Burkett's financial show on our radio that sat on top of our refrigerator.  Very spiritual right?  Well, at night after dinner...we danced.  Yep, my brother would get the wooden spoons to play the "drums" I got the random fork or spoon to use as a microphone, and mom just bounced around on her artificial leg (my mom lost her leg to cancer).  I think my mom may have secretly devised a plan to get us to want to clean the kitchen and do the dishes...but either way, it worked.  I have often thought that these were the times when I learned to sing.  Mom and I would pick out harmonies for this day I can still do it.  Anyway, these days at my house if you happen to stop by around 4pm (cooking dinner), you will find me dancing.  It started with my cat Layla (I would play the Eric Clapton song "Layla" and we would dance to it).  Then it was Micah...any song that had a beat would send us jumping around the kitchen.  At first he would just look at me weird like he was saying "mom, please put me down and let me're crazy").  But today, the music started, I danced...and he walked in with a smile and put his arms up.  My heart just melted...and we danced.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Credit Card Addiction

Why is it that every time you go to the mall and decide to buy something the cashiers insist on selling you a credit card?  I personally think that credit cards are from the pit of hell. is a clear form of bondage that will lure you in, pull you down slowly, and make it feel good all the way down.  Then you wake up one day shackled to a lender for the rest of your life...or at least a long time.  My husband and I have decided to rid ourselves of credit cards.  We made some mistakes early on and got into some debt.  We bought into the lie that  you NEED a credit card in order to build your credit.  By God's grace we were always able to make the our credit didn't suffer...but we did.  Anyway, the subject of credit cards is a sore spot for me.  So when I'm bombarded with pressuring saleswomen at the store that will remain nameless for now about getting a credit card i get a little irritated.  To add to the annoyance, once I said no (for the 3rd time mind you...) I was then treated like I did something wrong.  "How are you going to pay then???" said the nasty lady.  "Um...I don't know with REAL MONEY?!" said Me.  Not cool New York and Company...(oops...did I say that?)

Praying for Patience

I've always heard that you should never pray for patience for fear that God would actually allow you to be in a situation where you would have to be patient.  Recently I have needed an extra dose of patience and that"theory" has entered my mind.  However, I've been thinking...what is the problem if God allows me to do that very thing? Isn't that what I'm asking?  I need to learn how to wait.  Yes, it may be difficult and I may not enjoy it all that much.  I'm trusting that on the other side I will have been stretched and I won't be so afraid to ask next time...

Friday, February 11, 2011

Sanctity of Life

My mind has been full of thoughts about the sanctity of life issue these past few weeks.  This is probably because I’m about 1-2 weeks behind on listening to my podcasts and that was the topic during sanctity of life week.  Interesting too since I’m overdue on delivering my second baby…so these things are a little more real to me.  I wanted to just write about my experience  after a bit of a traumatic experience last night.  It all started with listening to the grounded podcast with host Ryan Dobson. I like him.  He’s actually a lot like my husband with his views on theology, apologetics, and “stick it to the man” philosophy.  He always mentions hot topics in the news  that affect Christians and I usually agree with his position.   On Wednesdays he covers topics pertaining to issues of worldview (Worldview Wednesdays).  This particular day he brought up the recent video of the Planned Parenthood worker talking to the undercover LiveAction workers about their “services”.  He also mentioned Dr. Kermit Gosnell from Philadelphia who was, among many other things, killing live babies with scissors.  Ryan didn’t go into a lot of detail, but brought a speaker to the show named Scott Klusendorf from Life Training Institute (  He is also the author of “The Case for Life”.  He travels and speaks on the topic of life.   I’d heard of him before and appreciated the way that he dealt with the topic from an educated perspective.  During this same time, someone close to me lost their first baby.  And, as always there are many babies being born.  Needless to say, I’ve been thinking a lot about life and babies…and ya da ya da ya.   I was trying to explain some of this to my husband last night and was getting some of the facts wrong so I decided to look it all up.  After 2 hours or so of internet research I came across some news articles about Dr. Gosnell.  I read the reports and was directed to the grand jury report.  I downloaded it and started reading about all of the horrible atrocities that had taken place under his care.  Then…there were the pictures.  I quickly shut the computer and said “oh my gosh, there’s pictures…”  I didn’t have the strength to deal with that…especially being so close to delivering my own child.  My eyes filled with tears and I just stared at the blank computer…overwhelmed and traumatized at what I had just read and saw.  I quickly switched over to a game of spider solitaire to distract myself.  Later, I decided that I really didn’t know the specific laws pertaining to abortion in our state and decided to do a bit more research.  I ended at the Life Training Institute blog in which I found this:  (read the full blog post here)

Abortion is not wrong because many men and women regret their abortion later. Abortion is wrong because it unjustifiably takes the life of a human being. 

Abortion is not wrong because one of the babies killed may have eventually cured cancer or written the next great Broadway musical. Abortion is wrong because it unjustifiably takes the life of a human being. 

Abortion is not wrong because it may have a negative effect on our economy or may have helped cripple the Social Security program. Abortion is wrong because it unjustifiably takes the life of a human being. 

Abortion is not wrong because the nation’s leading abortion provider Planned Parenthood does many other icky things, including promoting promiscuity in teens, promoting violence against pro-lifers and selling fetal body parts. Abortion is wrong because it unjustifiably takes the life of a human being. 

Abortion is not wrong if some of the people working for Planned Parenthood help to cover up statutory rape or alleged sex trafficking, or if they lie about the facts of fetal development. Abortion is wrong because it unjustifiably takes the life of a human being. 

And abortion is not even wrong because some of the people who perform abortions commit horrific acts only paralleled by the scariest of horror movies.

Abortion is wrong because it unjustifiably takes the life of a human being.
I’ve always known this…but it helped me to narrow down my thoughts and feelings.  I’ve always had trouble communicating my view of abortion because of it being such an emotional topic.  Sin is still sin, and God is still God.  I had to wonder what God thinks of us and our decision to allow this horrible sin of abortion in our country.  I also had to wonder how many babies are up there with him…It brought me some comfort though to know that they ultimately reside with him and only had to suffer for a short time in this evil world.  

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Are we marketing to the damaged?

The other day, I was in the shower...where I do my best thinking.  I was very excited to try my new shampoo/conditioner set that I recently purchased because I love having pretty smelling hair and because my recently highlighted hair has become quite damaged and I needed a remedy.  I had a thought...I've always had pretty healthy hair.  So healthy, and oily, that I could never find the right shampoo/conditioner to maintain the health.  Everything always either dried it out or made it more oily.  It was seriously frustrating.  My thought was...why does the hair care industry only market to the damaged?  They have so many fun products to use once you've highlighted/colored/permed and otherwise damaged your hair.  But, when your hair is healthy they leave you high and dry (or oily).  It got me thinking to other areas of our culture that perhaps do the same thing.  Any thoughts?  What about the church?  Do you ever feel encouraged to stay damaged in order to have a place in your circle for fear that health will actually ostracize you?  Just wondering...

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Don't worry, He can handle me

So, hopefully you noticed that my blog got a makeover.  If you didn’t…perhaps you’ve had a week like me and you need a night out.  (Call me and we’ll get together).  Anyway, I will probably change my blog’s looks like I rearrange rooms in my house…often.  Ask my old college roommate…the room changed often and usually in the wee hours of the morning when I was supposed to be writing a paper…I often talked her into cutting my hair too but that’s a completely different story…LOL!  So, HI!  I know it’s been a while.  I’ve got a few ideas for blog posts but never the energy/motivation/time away from little fingers wanting to touch the keyboard to do it.  One of these days I’ll get around to it.  To catch you up on the life of Christy, I am currently 2 ½ weeks away from popping out my second baby…it’s a girl…and I couldn’t be more excited…and terrified.  Your prayers are greatly appreciated.  I also just completed the last big step in securing my career (just in time for my second maternity leave), I passed my state board exam.  These are good times...and...

Yesterday was a tough day…I had a few choice words with God about it.  Don’t worry, He can handle me.  The truth is that I am truly a blessed woman.  I have pretty much everything a gal could want…but I struggle with one thing…well I struggle with a lot of things, but this one particular thing makes me feel completely stuck.  My choice words to God were…um…what am I supposed to be learning in this?!  Didn’t you say that you’d give me a way out?  It really doesn’t seem like there is a way out of this one.  (Side note…Did you guys hear Pastor Jim’s sermon last week?  He talked about prayer…I don’t remember the specific titles he used but he talked about selfish prayers and I think it shook all of us up…cuz we all pray those).  Why am I telling you this?  Well, I had this moment where I was like…I’m angry and frustrated and I really wanted to just say it all to God…but it won't sound pretty or respectful.  I didn't want to blame God, I wasn’t questioning who He is, or challenging His will…I was just being real…right?  Doesn’t God already know what is in my heart?  Could it be that He is glorified all the more when I speak it to Him trusting that He can handle me? So...I did. I gave it to him.  If I would've been alone I probably would've yelled.  Instead, I just shredded my journal with my pen.  I gave it to Him...raw, yucky, and true.  

I didn’t have any earth-shattering revelations from God after my time of “spewage”…that wasn’t what I was expecting really.  It was cleansing.  I felt like I was able to empty all of the crap that I was carrying…but I didn’t have to do it in a King James Version-type speech to God. In the end, I was left with this… “my grace is sufficient for you, my strength is made perfect in your weakness.”  (2 Cor. 12:9)  Yeah, I really didn’t want to hear that…I already know it.  But, it is true.  And, regardless of what I feel in the moment I have to once again remember that He is greater than I am…and I’d rather struggle and know the truth than to struggle lost and alone. 

I’m currently having the urge to re-paint my living room…