Wow! It has been a long time...

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!  It's been two months since I've written...I feel like a horribly distant pen pal!  Truth is that I can barely pick up the computer without my adorable little one wanting to pound with me on the keyboard...so it is rare that I get to sit and type.

So lets just get the truth out there...I've been struggling...A LOT.  I probably shouldn't get into all of the details...so as not to emotionally vomit all over you.  This motherhood thing is quite a journey.  I had one of the lowest times of my life the other night...wow...it wasn't pretty.  And, among all of the struggle with being a mom...God has felt quite distant too.  The reason?  Larry Crabb.  No offense Larry (like he's reading this blog...lol).  He is a tough read for me.  I'm reading a book called "The Pressure's Off" which was recommended by a friend.  I think my view of God has been stretched...is that a good word?  I'm not really enjoying the stretch either...because its confusing and makes me feel very lonely.  I know that He hasn't left...and I know that He is still the same God as always.  I know that He is trustworthy, just, patient, kind, and He still wants to comfort and bless me.  I'm just struggling to see Him in a new way.

I guess this just goes to show that we can't rely on our feelings.  We need to listen to them, but we don't let them drive our decisions.  I don't FEEL good right now...on a few levels.  But I KNOW who God is...and I have to trust that someday, perhaps the feelings will follow.

With all of that said, I think I've just lacked motivation to share my heart.  But, I promised that I would be real about my journey...so here it is!  There will be more posts to follow...hopefully not so far down the road.

Have you ever struggled with a new view of God?  What was it like?

If Mamma Aint Happy...

So, yesterday I had a really good day.  My house was clean (this always helps), I got to spend time with some friends, I was well rested (thanks to my 1 year old), and I got some things accomplished.  When my husband got home, he was in a good mood as was my little one (he LOVES his daddy).  It was just a really good day.  My husband made the comment “I’m in a really good mood…I think my mood is derived from your mood…”  It’s funny, because I think I’ve noticed the same thing.  I was journaling this morning and it hit me…WOW!  What a responsibility. 

If you are a faithful reader of the finer days…you’ll know that I’ve struggled a bit lately with finding the joy in my new stage of life.  (God is doing some amazing work there).  So, needless to say, my mood isn’t always the greatest.  Especially at the end of the day when I’m tired, baby is fussy, and daddy comes home and all I want to do is leave everything and go take a nap!  But, it hit me this morning that I bear the incredible responsibility of setting the tone for my family.  Think about it…when you were little…if mom was upset, did you just go along playing and feeling calm and happy?  Probably not.  I know I didn’t.  If mom was unhappy, I was worried and unhappy as well.  Don’t get me wrong, my mom did a great job at setting the tone as best she could given all that she had to deal with.  You’ve probably heard the saying “If mamma aint happy, aint nobody happy”.  Yeah…it is probably true. 

So, here’s my new challenge.  In no way am I called to be fake and put on a smile when I’m hurting.  Perhaps I am called to set aside my stuff so that I can set a positive tone for my husband and children.  Setting aside does not equal ignoring…but not allowing it to dictate my attitude.  I heard a book review of “Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti” where they talked about how men have the ability to compartmentalize (waffle) whereas women allow things to hit them like a giant meatball landing in a bowl of spaghetti…it affects every noodle of her life.  Perhaps on this one we need to take some advice from our men? 

I was at work a while back and someone made the comment “You are always so happy and cheerful”.  I think they compared me to sunshine.  I was like “Who in the world are you talking about?”  Funny…my husband had the same reaction.  Why am I saving my optimism and joy for my coworkers and clients?  Doesn’t my family deserve it even more? 

Do you find the same thing in your home?  How do you maintain a positive attitude for your family?

Pain

Recently I’ve had a realization about pain.  I attended a funeral for a man at our church that I really didn’t know…but my husband was leading the service and I wanted to be there to support him.  Unfortunately, I had to take my infant son…so we ended up pacing back and forth in the foyer.  I was still able to hear the majority of the testimonies about this man’s life.  I’d known of his reputation and had some loose connections with his family members.  This man was known for how much he loved God and his family.  His children and their spouses stood before the crowd weeping but laughing as they talked about how wonderful a man he was.  I found myself crying…for a man that I didn’t really know.  It got me thinking…there truly can be joy in pain and suffering.  At that moment, I had a revelation…a large majority of us are living our lives searching for ways to avoid pain!  Think about it:  we have a headache and we look for the pain killers, we go into labor and we ask for the epidural, we feel depressed or anxious and we seek counseling or try some anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds.  I am SO not knocking these things…hear me out.  (I am loving me some epidural…let me tell you). I believe that pain is a way that our bodies (and minds) signal to us that something is wrong and needs attended to.  Without it, how would we know?  

I have had the privilege of sitting in the counseling office with many clients whose desire is to rid of the emotional (and sometimes physical) pain that they are experiencing because of various stressors.  I just wonder…could it be that God wants us to get to a place of ambivalence…having both pain and joy…so that we can learn something new?!  I find that almost daily I am admonishing a client to try to “sit with the feeling” (which is the very thing that they are attempting to avoid).  I believe that many times, the very feelings we are avoiding are the ones we need to feel more deeply in order to move past them to a place of healing.  I am absolutely in favor of medications and other forms of therapeutic interventions depending on each situation…and some people will never be able to grasp such concepts depending on their level of insight…but for many people…this is a hurdle that needs to be crossed. 

Have you ever experienced the joy amidst suffering?