Today is the day that I thought I was to become a mom of 3. Yep, i just smacked you in the face with that one didn't I? I'm choosing to write about it because I need to put it somewhere. I just need someone to know that today is important.
Can you imagine? 3 under 3? Yeah, it was a bit of a surprise for us too...but we were thrilled. Something told me to keep this one quiet for a while though. While everyone else was announcing their pregnancies (and man were there a lot!!!) I held my tongue. Things seemed very normal...I was fatigued and nauseous right on schedule...and my pants got tight pretty quickly. I was anticipating our first doctor's appointment...because that's when it feels real! At 11 weeks I was just bursting with anticipation to hear that heartbeat so that we could tell everybody.
That awful Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday night are nights that I will never forget. I will never forget. I feel like I aged 30 years that weekend. I experienced something so incredibly awful....something that no one should ever have to experience. I became a colleague to those in the community of mothers who lost a child. Though I had longed to be able to empathize with those mothers in the past, I never dreamed that I would be able to understand so well. My baby died. He died. He DIED! How surreal...I wasn't grown up enough yet to have to deal with something so tragic. My heart was broken into a million pieces...
In the midst of all of the pain, God definitely showed up...he really and truly did. He was the Father that I needed at that moment. He didn't take away the pain, but I know he steadied me and kept me alive during the darkest nights of my life. There was no one who could make it better...but he showed up big time. From the nurses who cried in my bed with me...to the pastor at the coffee shop...to the girls who took care of my babies while I grieved their sibling...to the pro life doctor who wasn't afraid to tell me that he valued any trace of life within me...yes, my God showed up big time. His mercies are new every morning...and I clung to that like never before. I'll never know why...I have some guesses...but nevertheless...God is good all the time. I will trust him. He is faithful. I've never longed for heaven as much as I have after that weekend.
I can only imagine what it would be like to deliver a baby today. Micah would be the best big brother again. He would be trying to kiss him/her...Hannah would probably be a bit jealous...but she would come around to be my little helper. Dan would probably need a drink (lol)...but he would be thrilled and he would show up to be the best dad for the third time. He would be catering to my every need. I, well, I'd probably cry for about a week just trying to acclimate myself to the new reality of three toddlers...but my mommy heart would be full of joy. I would be cherishing those baby moments.
It's okay...really...God has healed something in me. I have unexplainable peace that my God is the keeper of my child. My little "Eb" we love you and wish that we could've met you. But for now we trust that you are definitely in a better place.