It's all fun and games until your kid pees on their floor

Parenting little kids makes me crazy in ways that I never knew it would.  It is so fun…and monotonous.  It’s 10:30pm and I’ve just put my second load of laundry in the washer, deboned a chicken, and now I need to go find that man that I love and make sure we still recognize each other after such a crazy day.  The big things in my kids lives right now are eating “cocorn” and watching Gerbert at bedtime.  So after that…I put my my kids down, do Micah’s massage, and then pray with them.  I find myself reviewing our day and apologizing for all the ways that I screwed them up and try to come up with ways to do better tomorrow.  They look at me like…”Mom, I have no idea what you’re talking about…can you leave now so that I can sneak some toys into my bed?”  

I find myself apologizing more to them these days.  Don’t get me wrong…I know that I’m a good mom.  But, man do I screw up.  Yesterday I punished Hannah for being disrespectful.  She’s 3.  That girl has the biggest teenage girl attitude already!  I have NO idea where she gets it from!  ;)  I punished her because she’s been making this obnoxious grunting sound when I tell her to do something.  She also has been saying FiiiiiiiiiiiNE!  and Moooooooooooom!  She’s a smart girl…and she doesn’t miss a thing.  She can sing a song after hearing it once and she’s already becoming pretty emotionally healthy…”Micah stop!  You’re making me angry!”  (Insert “My mom is a counselor” brain damage here…)

I was talking with a friend tonight about parenting…and how this world is just too confusing.  (And then my kid peed on her floor).  When we were kids, we watched shows like Looney Tunes where dads hit their kids over the head with baseball bats for asking dumb questions at dinner, they also shoot their kids in the head with a pistol…yes it’s true.  Shows have words like “stupid” and “freakin” and OH MY GOODNESS WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!?!?!?!?  I worry about what their brains are absorbing with Elmo talking about how the earth is a billion years old and My Little Pony casting spells on people…  The feminists are bashing men and telling our little girls that boys are dumb and worthless and that they don’t want anything to do with them.  Then I look at my sweet, sensitive little boy who just wants to be a helper and love his mom and sister with all of his heart…Then there’s the story in the news where hundreds of girls were abducted in Africa from their school and sold as brides to terrorists…and a chill runs down my spine.  

In a world of crazy…what in the heck do we do?!  According to Blues Clues…I should STOP, BREATHE, and THINK.  :)  Good advice.  According to God, I am being conformed to the image of Jesus…I trust him, I ask for wisdom, discernment, and protection.  I remember that God loves my kids more than me…that he has entrusted them to me for a reason…and that he is always doing something new.  I’m excited for this adventure.  

and oh yeah…I’m the one that grunts when I’m frustrated…so I’m the one that taught my daughter to be disrespectful to me!  Try explaining that to a 3 year old.  

These are the things that go through my head during the days while I’m running around like a crazy headless chicken.  

Now it’s 7am and my kids are wide awake asking to watch Coo Coo’s (Blue’s Clues).  I’M UP and darn it…I’m drinking my coffee from my fancy china mug this morning.  

Until the next time :-), C

Drawing Near

I just came away from a weekend with The Lord and I think a part of me is grieving.  I thirst for the uninterrupted time in His presence with others that are experiencing Him too.  It is calm, it is relaxing, it is absolutely beautiful.  It's amazing how loud his voice is when the world is quiet.  Practicing the discipline of silence and solitude is something that our culture runs from.  We can't tolerate the stillness...we feel like we need to "do" in order to have a meaningful life.  I started practicing these disciplines about a year ago and it was amazing to see how easy it was to turn off the world this weekend.  It was a difficult thing in the beginning for this extremely extroverted girl.  But I have the dearest friend who prayed and guided me as I began.  I highly encourage you to check out Hopewood Retreat Ministries (www.hopewood.org) and challenge yourself to give God the time and space to speak to you.  These retreats are doctrinally sound, they are open to men and women of any age, they are semi guided but you are free to do whatever you need to in order to hear from The Lord.  Dan and I would love to share more about what we've learned from our retreats and why we think they are essential for every believer.  I'm already looking forward to the next women's retreat in August and the next coed retreat in October.  Won't you join me?

Until the next time :-), C

Healing

I have a confession to make.  Before my son Micah was diagnosed, I felt different about children/families with special needs.  When the parents descried how their child has changed them and taught them so much...I kinda just dismissed it as just a desperate attempt to find a silver lining.  I was TERRIFIED of having a child with special needs.  I had at least one anxiety attack while I was pregnant over the thought.  I just didn't want to struggle...I didn't want to watch my child struggle...I didn't want to be shut out from a part of my child.

Then God gave me Micah.  And let me just say that my terror was experienced in a few different ways.  We all struggled quite a bit before we knew something was wrong.  There were days (I hate to admit) when all he could do was take take take from my already depleted self and I would question whether or not I should've become a mom...that all of this was a mistake.  I would get so frustrated with moms who talked about wanting to adopt a child with special needs...why would anyone ask for this?!  I didn't ask for it..surely.  And of course there was the lingering question...what does it say about me that they would want a child with special needs and I don't?  Do they think it is easy?  Is something wrong with me?

Ouch...it hurts to actually put that out there.

You've probably heard me say that this past year has been the toughest of our lives so far.  My husband has also written a little about it here.  Over the past few months, our family was given some time away from our normal life.  We've used that time to be together, to process pain, to commune with friends, and most of all to know God better.  We needed healing.  I needed healing.  So, I embarked on this time expecting God to come through just as he always has.  You see, knowing God and becoming like Jesus doesn't take away tragedy, conflict, depression or any other kind of pain.  In some ways the pain can feel worse at times.  No, knowing and experiencing God gives us a place to go when you're in the pit.  Yes, he was there while I was sinking.  I know it...I felt him...he sustained me.  I knew that he was allowing each blow so that he could press deeper into me and do something new.  If he hadn't been there, I know I would've fallen even lower.  Then he gently called me out of each situation...and he said..."know yourself so that you can know me".  (This is something beautiful that comes from a counseling relationship with another believer).  As I processed each situation and the bigger picture, I continued to see glimpses of his plan.  In the process he asked me to humble myself and do some difficult things.  But, he was there...he's here.

I feel like I've come to a clearing...a place of refreshment after the long, tangled, and bumpy journey out of the pit.  It doesn't mean that there won't be another one up ahead, but I'm being made new...constantly.  And right now I am experiencing that newness again.  I have joy, I have love.  I feel healed in those deep dark places.  Bits of pain surface, but I'm definitely in a different place than I was.

So lets bring this back around to Micah and my terror.  In my healing, God has changed my heart of fear and expectation...of trying to make my son into something that he wasn't designed to be.  He called me to confess my judgement of others and forgive myself for the ways in which I feel like I fail my son (and daughter) on a daily basis.  He's helping me to see that my capacity for pain increases my capacity for growth.  When we take our pain to the Lord with humility and truly seek to understand Him in our situations, he increases our capacity for wisdom, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness etc.  That fruit has never tasted quite so good.

When I see Micah, my heart almost bursts.  He has changed me...and taught me things that I would not have learned without him.  I am overjoyed to be his mom.  Even during the tantrums...I just see him differently.  I love him more than I ever have.  I am so incredibly thankful for him and I cannot wait to see him develop his own relationship with God.  I'm okay with his needs and while I don't want him to suffer, I can't wait to see how his understanding and search for God will increase his own fruit.  His four year old little self is already so compassionate and caring.  Perhaps those tantrums just show how much he really does care about things.  Thank you God for the treasure that I have in Micah and Hannah.  Help me to steward them well.  

 Until the next time :-), C