Therapy, Therapy, Therapy, Oh My!

In June, I left my job. In September, we learned that our son Micah had some fairly moderate developmental delays. In November we were jolted into this new reality of having a "child with disabilities"...or at least that's what I keep hearing. When did my son become "disabled"? And why does everyone use these new politically correct terms to communicate about children with special needs? It is all so overwhelming! Let's backup...

Micah is an amazing kid...my firstborn...he is just a huge chunk of my heart that spilled out into the form of a little boy. Raising him these 3 1/2 little years has not been easy...we've had tantrums, night terrors, spiritual warfare, and all kinds of crazy stuff. I've always wondered if there was something going on in him that I couldn't quite put my finger on. But then again, I was a first time mom and EVERYTHING was unfamiliar. Fast forward to September 2012 when we took Micah in for his 3 year old well child visit. The doctor spent about 5 minutes with him and said "you need to schedule an appointment with a developmental pediatrician and neurologist". My response: "Why?, what the heck is a developmental pediatrician?" I actually had to google it. As it turns out, there are waiting lists for these doctors that stretch out to a year! I'm choosing to believe that God was working...and we got him in 45 days later. In the meantime, my once boring and mundane schedule was flipped into a hurried mess of assessments, testing, interviews, conferences, research, tears, anxiety...shall I continue? Through it all, our experience has been pretty positive. I know that God has gone before us and mapped out a path that is full of caring and knowledgeable people that just love my son. He is growing! He seems pretty happy! (as long as his daddy doesn't leave town) I, on the other hand, am a bit of a mess. I had enough pressure on me trying to raise two toddlers, let alone the fact that even playing has to be work for my 3 year old son. In addition to keeping the house running, having a life in ministry, meeting the needs of my marriage, trying to still remain a woman, and being a mother...now I'm constantly pressured with "Is he saying this wrong? Fix your posture! Am I doing the right thing? What if I'm pushing him too hard? Use your spoon! Jump! Finish! Stop screaming! Will you hate me when you're grown? Am I ruining any chance of you having healthy attachment to relationships in the future? Oh, by the way, do you know that I love you even though I'm acting like a crazy lunatic whose brain jumped out of her head about 3 months ago? I'm sorry...mommy's learning too..." Yeah, just call me Christy Train-Wreck Samms...that's who I've become.

So, our days went from trying to figure out how to keep two toddlers entertained all day until Daddy came home...to...a flurry of preschool, OT, PT, and speech therapy. I constantly receive "advice" and "encouragement" from people who really feel like they know what they're talking about...sometimes it really rattles me. Often I am barraged with terms that I've never heard of, I'm grasping for the politically correct term to refer to a child in fear of offending someone, and let's face it...there just isn't enough time to google everything. The medical bills are mounting...and at the end of the day crying just doesn't always seem to be enough. My body is physically exhausted, and we already talked about where my brain is...sometimes I just want to grab my son into my arms and just escape back into the world where ignorance was bliss. Funny, when I was deciding to leave my job I was wondering if I could handle all the down time. It's a good thing that God knows what he's doing.

Stupid Sandy-10/30/12

I'm not super sentimental...some moms cry over leaving their kids in the nursery, some cry over each milestone, some just plain freak out about everything!  Don't get me wrong, I love each stage of development and I often notice how fast my babies are growing up.  I just don't get very sad about it.  I do have my crazy traits though...I'm that mom who can't stand for a picture of her child to be "out there" without having a copy of it.  I'm that mom who takes a kid to a photo shoot and pays the hundred some odd dollars for the cd of all the pictures.  I can't stand for a picture to be lost/ruined/given away.  This is why I love digital pictures.  Well, today STUPID SANDY decided to come into my house (literally) and damage all of my precious keepsakes...including my pictures.  As I'm peeling through all of my pictures and scrapbook supplies I couldn't help but dream about a time machine that I could step into...go back in time, and store all of my pictures on Daniel's side of the bed...(he could just sleep on the floor or something :)  I threw my children in the garbage...or at least that is what it felt like. After a while I got angry enough to stick it to Sandy and pulled all of my pictures out of the trash...and this is what I've been doing all night:

You see, I'd rather have damaged pictures than throw my memories in the trash.  Yes, I have digital backups...but its just my weird thing...don't judge me :).  And yes, all of my precious things were in plastic bins with tight fitting lids...but Sandy still got to them.  

Another surprise that I received was a large waterproof bin containing my small doll collection...full of water.  Apparently it has been filled with water before when our basement flooded...so needless to say they are ruined.  I'm still not giving up on them though...I'm working on cleaning them up...and again if they look crappy at least i have my memories.  

My life has just been crappy lately...lots of things have been happening.  After each blow, I ask God...why is this happening?  I know that God is good.  I know that He is here.  I know that he is in control.  I know all of his promises and I truly believe Him.  I don't really get any answers other than to trust.  I keep getting this image of later.  I know that God is preparing my little family for something big.  And I feel like God may be stripping us of everything that we think we need to hold onto.  I think He also forced me to look at my life (in pictures) to remind me of all that we have.  I've had such a good life and I continue to be so blessed.  

Look at me...the pessimist is finding a glass half full.............

Still My God

These words spoke to me tonight.  This is a song by the group Avalon called Still My God.  

Up and down 
Like the tide is moving 
In and out 
We're in motion and the ocean pulls us under 
And even there You're found 
You never change 
So I will sing... 

If I'm standing on a mountain 
Or drowning in a sea 
If I am filled with hope 
Or crying out for mercy 
If I'm singing hallelujah 
Or scared to make a sound 
If I am learning how to walk 
Or when I'm falling down 
I'm saying You are still my god


In a world 
Where so much seems uncertain 
You remain hope for the strong and broken 
No matter where we are 
You are never far 
And nothing changes who You are 

If I'm standing on the mountain 
Or drowning in the sea 
If I am filled with hope 
Or crying out for mercy 
If I'm singing hallelujah 
Or scared to make a sound 
When I am learning how to walk 
Or when I'm falling down 
I'm saying You are still my god 
Jesus, you are still my god 

You were, you are, you will be forever 
You were, you are, yeah 
You were, you are, you will be forever God 

If I'm standing on the mountain 
Or drowning in the sea 
If I am filled with hope 
Or crying out for mercy 
If I'm singing hallelujah 
Or scared to make a sound 
When I am learning how to walk 
Or when I'm falling down 
I'm saying You are still my god 
Jesus, you are still my god 
Jesus, you are still my god 

still my god 
still my god