Toilet paper, blenders, Josh Groban, and a little bit of Jesus

You guys...
Stop what you're doing right now and say this:

I declare that JESUS is the Lord of this house and Satan and his cohorts have no power hear.  In the name of JESUS I command you to leave.

Then throw your crap in a blender, make yourself a green smoothie, put on some Josh Groban "You are Loved", and check your doorstep because God might just do something like this.

The ONLY way to combat the STUFF in our lives is through prayer.  The stuff that gets you down...discouragement, dread, guilt, pain, disappointment...it is all a tool of the enemy to take your focus from God.  So get to praying you guys.  

Until the next time :-), C

Autism Awareness Month, Part 2: Unmasking the hidden disability

Micah's disability is hidden because if you spent some time with him, you may not know right away that he has struggles.  When you hear me describe life with him, you may think "my kid does that too...it's normal".  When I hear that, I feel a pain in the pit of my stomach that translates into "you don't get us...it's not normal."  

Micah's neurologist, developmental pediatrician, psychologist, speech therapist, occupational therapist, and physical therapist don't really have a name for Micah's struggles.  Overall he struggles with coordination and balance.  His brain is slow to communicate with the muscles in his body. Terms that have been used to describe him are apraxia, ataxia, developmental coordination disorder, and sensory processing disorder.  The information that comes in can sometimes get tripped up when it is time to come out in either motor or behavioral responses.  He knows what he wants to say, but he can't say it.  He knows what he wants to do, but he can't always do it.  So he sits quietly and watches a lot or he tries and gets hurt or really frustrated.  

Most of the time I just stand in the back and watch

Here are some glimpses into Micah's life: 

Micah struggles with fine and gross motor delay.  This translates into the inability to dress/undress himself, write, feed himself, run, jump, pedal a bicycle, use the toilet.  This means that we have lots of messes, lots of struggles in school, and a kid that is lonely and bored most of the time. His body requires a lot of energy and focus to remain still, so naturally, traditional school/church/social environments are impossible.   Subjects like phonics which require auditory processing (translating what you hear into what you see and then using your fine motor skills to make a selection) are extremely difficult and nearly impossible right now.  He also struggles to remember and process directions that contain 2 or more steps.  So, I've taken on the role of teacher/sunday school teacher to try to find ways to teach him differently.  Family time and social events are tricky and we always have to have a contingency plan in case it is just too much for him.  Micah also struggles to control the pressure of his movements.  For example, when he reaches down to kiss his baby sister, he bonks her head and she screams in pain.  Or, he squeezes her too hard.  In his mind, he can't do anything right and he hurts people all the time.  I struggle not to be the helicopter parent...hovering over every movement to protect him and others.  

Home school is always fun!

Micah got a pedal go cart for Christmas.
This is easier because it is low to the ground and
doesn't require as much balancing ability.  

Micah sure does love his baby sister

Micah struggles with impulse control.  When he wants to do something, it is difficult to control his body as well as contemplate consequences.  One example of this is when he stuck his finger down my 7 week old daughter's throat.  We didn't notice right away.  He was just curious...it also made her stop crying?  He doesn't understand that she was choking or that he could've killed her.  (She is fine, by the way). Lack of impulse control also results in multiple injuries every day.  (Inability to watch where he is walking while he's focusing on walking and thinking about what he wants to do...then he falls, or steps on something sharp, or stubs his toe).  Micah also has no grey area...so when he's hurt/mad/frustrated it is LOUD and INTENSE.  There is no quiet crying in our house.  This is especially fun at 6am when he wakes up each morning.  (haha)

Difficulties with impulse control also impact his ability to control or contain his emotions.  He wants to join in when others are happy and excited, but he can't calm down like the other kids. Anger is also an energetic emotion.  When we are angry, we have the impulse to scream, swear, hit, stomp etc.  This impulse is normal, but it requires a healthy skill to channel the energy without harming ourselves or others.  It also requires the ability to tolerate frustration.  Although Micah has worked VERY hard on his healthy coping skills, he will still hit, bite, pinch, scratch or hurt himself when he is angry.  Needless to say, we stock up on bandaids in our house and we have many comfortable "time out" spots.  

Calming down enough to fall asleep is very difficult, so Mommy helps with this.

It's a lot you guys...It's a lot.  It starts early and goes late.  We rarely get a break because babysitters don't know how to work with him.  At times we debate for hours over going to a restaurant or a movie because we know that it usually ends in disaster.  We get frustrated, we yell, we say mean things, we cry, we get discouraged, we worry constantly about the future, we are judged by other parents and kids, we get into trouble by teachers and are called bad parents by onlookers.  We struggle to balance attention to him, our daughter, our infant, our dog, our ministry, our marriage, our jobs, and our God.  

One of the most difficult struggles for me is knowing that he is aware of his differences.  He sees the kids that are quietly judging him...afraid of him...avoiding him.  He knows that he SHOULD know how to use a pencil, a fork, the potty.  But his body just won't do what it's supposed to.  I see him giving up...getting lazy...and this just terrifies me.  

It is also difficult to know that every day a new challenge could arise.  He could continue to get worse...although I do see quite a bit of improvement.  There is no way to tell what the future holds.  So, as I've said before, I will continue to trust in the one who has entrusted him to us...knowing that He loves him more than we do.  Stay tuned to hear how Micah continues to improve.

Until the next time :-), C

Autism Awareness Month, Part 1

April is Autism Awareness Month.  I have a number of friends who have children affected by autism and I tip my hat to you!  The respect I have for you is great.  My post today is in no way intended to take away the much needed attention that this diagnosis and these families deserve.  

My son doesn't have autism.  He's not on the spectrum.  He has a hidden disability, which means that when you see him you might not know that he struggles.  He has been assessed a number of times and it was determined that there is no definitive name for the struggles that plague him.  Some people run from having a label for their child.  I completely understand that.  For me, a label would help by normalizing our experience.  It would give us something to google when we're at our wits end and don't know what to do.  (Ha ha!)  It would help when someone asks what his struggles are.  Right now we say something like:  It's kinda like autism...but it's not autism.   

One of the ways that we, as special needs parents, continue to press on is by finding understanding from our peers.  Loneliness in this community is so real...it can strangle the life out of us if we aren't careful.  When I encounter a situation where Micah or our family is misunderstood, I am tempted to withdraw...and many times I do.  We need you to try to understand...try to love and accept our kids.  In turn, we will try to be kind and understanding of you...and the obstacle of being friends with us.  We know that we aren't easy.  And sometimes our pain comes out in intolerance and picking apart all of the ways that you misunderstand us.  We're sorry.  Please forgive us and don't give up.  

With all of that being said, I hope you don't mind that I borrow the month of April to highlight my son and our family since we don't have a "Developmental Delay Awareness Month".  Though the labels are different, some of the struggles are the same.  Stay tuned to learn more about my man Micah, and how God flipped our world upside down when he gave him to us.  

Until the next time :-), 
C

Eleven Years

Eleven years ago today, I married Dan Samms.  

Eleven isn’t a very interesting number.  You can’t find an 11th anniversary card in the store, and well its just kind of a boring number.  

Marriage is fun, exciting and adventurous.  At times it can be boring and mundane.  Among other things, true love happens when you can’t imagine spending your boring and mundane with anyone else.  

                                     
Dan Samms is an amazing man.  And let me tell you, my life did a complete turn around when I married him.  I thought I’d give you a little glimpse into my thoughts for my husband.

Here’s 11 boring and mundane reasons why I love Dan Samms.

1. He cleans my stove.  You know those gas stoves with all of those nooks and crannies for grease to get into?  I HATE cleaning my stove.  He knows this…and every now and then I come home to a sparkling stovetop :).
2. He brings me coffee every morning.  He knows that I have that half awake-barely coherent side in the mornings and coffee makes me much more tolerable.  
3. He teaches me theology.  I don’t understand the Bible sometimes.  Or I struggle to explain things.  He is always patient with me and is a really good teacher.  
4. He loves everything that I cook…or he just knows better than to tell me otherwise :).
5. He never complains…it’s true.  He’s pretty optimistic.  Drives me crazy.
6. He won't fight.  Our first fight was because he wouldn’t fight with me.  
7. He’s a man.  He stands up for women and respects them.  He dresses like a man.  He is confident, but humble.  
8. He knows me, he gets me, and he likes me just the way I am.  In a world and ministry where everyone wants you to change…this is refreshing. 
9. He is unique.  You won’t find a man like him.  He gets an idea in his head and he completes it.  He wants chickens, so he built a chicken coop…he wanted to learn how to be a blacksmith…so he did.   
10. He’s HOT.  I get butterflies…he melts my butter…okay so that’s all the G rated stuff that I can think to say on that one.  Let’s just say that I will never be tempted to look for another man…because he is all that I could ever want.  
11. He picked me :)

I love you Dan Samms!  Happy 11 years

Until the next time :-), C

Reflections

Our church plant, Restoration, just celebrated its first anniversary!  It's hard to believe that it's already been one year.  I'm reflecting on the year...and I have to say it hasn't been easy.  Everyone says that the first year of church planting is so hard so it wasn't surprising.  I guess I was expecting some action! Some big stuff...some huge moves of God.  Don't get me wrong, the church is great.  And, we've seen huge moves from the Lord.  We are continually seeing people being drawn to Christ, putting their trust in him, getting baptized, and lives changing!  We are seeing families change...it's amazing and will always be worth it.  As silly as it sounds, because I know the work of the enemy, I wasn't sure how life could get worse. We had come through so many difficult seasons, I naively thought that we'd  weathered enough and that any trials would just seem like a nuisance when compared to what we'd been through.  I didn't think they'd bring me down the the level that they did.  

Daniel and I jumped into this scary but exciting adventure after a pretty intense journey of seeking God's will for our family and ministry.  It taught us a lot about dependence on him.  So we JUMPED!  We were all in...we had visions of great things...we were in this together for the first time.  We got to put together a vision of ministry that really reflected God's heart for the church.  It was great!  It was exciting.  Then I crashed.  With some fresh ministry wounds and some new struggles with my special needs son, I was landed...I was flattened...I was put into a cage.  Or at least that was what it felt like.  Everything had to stop for me...I was pulled out of the ministry that I helped to shape...I missed everything.  I was so discouraged.  I was mad at God.  I was mad at my son.  (Just keepin it real folks).  There was no way out. There IS no way out.  

Well, it's one year later...and I can say that not all that much has changed!  I think so often we beg God to take us OUT of the pain...knowing that he has the power to do so. And why wouldn't he want to protect his children from pain?  Doesn't he care?  The truth is that it's easier to plant a house church than it is to plant a mega church.  The enemy knows that what we're doing is HUGE.  And, I am the easiest target...to discourage my husband, to mess up our family, and slowly to erode our church.  

I started reading this book called, The Cure, by John Lynch.  The book tells a story about a man who is forced to choose between two roads: the way that pleases God and the way that trusts God.  As he struggles to make choices on his journey, he eventually comes to a place where there is a banner displaying the message "Standing with God, my sin in front of us, working on it together."  This was so powerful for me...the image of sin/struggle being a barrier between Jesus and I...SHATTERED.  He's standing next to me...looking at the map...he's journeying with me as I have good moments and bad.  He cries with me as I watch my son struggle and as I say goodbye yet again to my husband and daughter...headed to church not understanding why our family cannot minister together.  It feels so lonely...so isolating, but I'm not alone.  

There is no real happy ending to my story.  Not in the world's eyes anyway.  My story is continually being written, and I have to say that it is littered with so much blessing along the way.  And, Jesus has splattered good relationships all throughout my life to continually remind me of how good God really is.  I have a strong faith.  (It's probably related to how stubborn I am).  I will not give up.  I will not walk away.  I love too much and I take my calling seriously.  But it is hard...

 I got the chance to see singer/songwriter JJ Heller in concert and fell in love again with her song "Your Hands".  The lyric

is what I listen to in the darkest times.  

What does God say to you in the dark times? 

Until the next time :-), C

a sacrifice of praise

Lately I've been learning more about the sacrifice of praise. What exactly is a "sacrifice of praise?" It doesn't seem like praise should be a sacrifice right? When I think of praise I think of something easy to do...when that extra money comes in, when you get the good report from the doctor, when you just miss a huge auto accident...EASY!  So what would make praise a sacrifice?  I remember singing a song in church when I was younger: 

"We bring the sacrifice of praise into the house of the Lord
And we offer up to you the sacrifices of Thanksgiving
And we offer up to you sacrifices of joy." -Kirk Dearman

I had no idea what I was actually saying. 

Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise—the fruit of lips that openly profess his name.  Heb 13:15

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  I Thess 5:16-18

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. 1 Peter 4:12-13

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Cor 4:7-9

What I've discovered is that a sacrifice of praise happens

in the darkest hours 
when you've been rejected

when someone has given up on you

when God seems far away

when the light at the end of the tunnel has gone dark

when your child just doesn't seem to be getting better

when your marriage just continues to fall apart

when that relationship just can't be worked out

when the bank account just keeps going further into the negative

We bring a sacrifice of praise…

It sounds like this:

Thank you God for my messed up situation because through it I will know you better.  I will not be alone.  You will never reject or forsake me.  I will be pressed but not crushed.  I will be persecuted but not destroyed.  By the way, God, this sucks big time and I don't even know how to say this and mean it…but I'm going to praise you because you command it, you desire it, and it changes my heart.

keepin it real…

Until the next time,

C

There is LIFE after loss

Today marks 2 years since I had my first miscarriage.  I've been approaching this day with some dread just because I wasnt sure how I'd feel exactly...I think I was expecting to be depressed or something?  It was a horrible and awful experience that I am so relieved to have put behind me...so I should be sad right?

It's funny...every year around this time, Dan and I get an itch to get out of town for the weekend (and Nana and Poppy are always quick to volunteer for grandkid duty :).  We didn't really plan it this way...but our getaways seem to fall on the same weekend each year.  I always wonder...will this time away be heavy?  Will it be a time of grieving?  Is there something more that I need to work through?  So I woke up this morning thinking "crap...it's today."  But, I feel joy.  Unexplainable joy.  There is a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that may always ache when I think of the loss of life...when I see an ultrasound picture, when I hear of a newly announced pregnancy or birth.  I don't enjoy hospitals and I could live very well without ever seeing another ultrasound again in my life.  But, I feel joy.

I share a bit of our story here.  But today I have some things that I'd like to add.  A LOT of people have been affected by a miscarriage, stillbirth, or other kind of infant loss.  I can almost guarantee that the first time a person shares their story there will be someone close that can relate.  The common occurrence doesn't minimize the pain...but it does make us aware that a lot of women AND MEN are silently suffering with this loss.  Unfortunately it is so easy to hurt or be hurt by another person's story...and I hope that my few tidbits can help to ease some of the pain on both sides.

Each person's miscarriage experience is different...but the loss is just as real.  Be careful how you console.
Whether it was a blighted ovum (empty egg), a 6 week gestation, or a full term baby...the loss is just as real.   Yes, the intensity is different, the physical effects are different, and some experiences may be harder to heal from.  The important thing here is to validate each mother and father's experience.  The truth is that none of us know the details...the dreams, the struggle to get pregnant, the process of the trauma...none of us really know what it was like.  Have grace.  Please don't tell them that they can try again...or that it probably wasn't a good time to have another baby...keep your consolation to: "I'm so so sorry." And then just listen.  And maybe even cry.

Dads feel it too...a LOT.
This kind of loss is a loss for everyone...especially daddy.  Don't be so quick to dismiss dad.  He needs help to grieve while he cares for mom and processes the trauma of the loss too.  When I was in the ER and preparing for discharge, I passed out completely and slumped over a garbage can.  My husband was scared...there were a lot of ugly things to see that night and he needs to work through those feelings too. Be a listening ear for him...(My kids were too young to even understand that I was pregnant...so we didn't have to really talk to them about it...but older kids need help here too.)

There is life and joy after miscarriage/infant loss.
I promise.  When I share my story...I talk about how I literally felt cradled in Jesus' arms...I was so sad...but I was not in despair.  I was ok...he held me up.  Some scripture that comes to mind here is Psalm 34:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
In this life, I'm pretty sure that there will always be a sting...but there is LIFE.  There is joy.  If you have experienced a miscarriage or infant loss...and you have not experienced joy...please contact me.  Jesus came so that we could have LIFE!

I still long to be pregnant again...since this time we had another miscarriage and I fear that my body is done.  So, I may still have grieving to do...

"But I will trust in your unfailing love.  I will rejoice because you have rescued me.  I will sing to the Lord because he has been so good to me.
Psalm 13:5-6

Until the next time :-), C

faithful

In my small group, we are going through an overview of the Bible.  It has been quite eye opening to say the least.  I really feel like we are all learning something new.  I've often been intimidated by the Bible...I've felt like I wasn't smart enough to understand it...I didn't always know why it was important to know things like Noah and the Ark etc...and I didn't understand the words!  (Partially because I grew up reading the King James Version).  I've learned about it all my life and can recite verses here and there.  But, its never come alive to me in this way before.  I thirst for it...and it is so satisfying when I get to drink it up.  

Okay, so sorry for the Christianese metaphors...what I really want to say is that God is faithful.  Do you know this?  Do you feel that he is faithful?  Maybe not...but he still is.  Why?  How do I know?  Because it is true of his character and he demonstrates it time and time again in his word.  

As we're walking through scripture, I continue to ask myself, why did God want this in the Bible?  What does he want me to know and understand?  There's a man named Abraham (Genesis 12-25) who God asks to do some pretty hard things.  He also tells him that he will bless him more than he can ever imagine.  The guy is faithful...constantly obeying and praising God until he gets scared and tries to help God fulfill his plan.  He takes a second wife, he lies, he worries, he doubts that God is who he says he is, he lacks faith constantly, he laughs at God, and the list goes on.  Does this sound like you?  Someone you know?  God continues to remind Abraham that he WILL bless him greatly, and while he experiences consequences for his choices...God remains faithful.  He takes what may have been meant for evil and uses it for his glory.  He blesses the child born to the "other woman", he redeems the lies and walks him through the times of worry and doubt.  He even gives Abraham the opportunity to petition God not to destroy a city where his family lived.  

God continually reminds Abraham of who he is, and renews his faithfulness and covenant despite his decision-making.  He does this because he ultimately had a heart that desired to please God.  That's it...he was just trying!  He acknowledges when he screws up, takes responsibility for his choices and then tries again...

This should be a comfort to you...because it means that you too can experience God in the same way.  I'm pretty sure this is why God wanted these stories in scripture...so that we could see people like us doing amazing things through the power of God.  

God's word is alive...it is applicable for all time.  God doesn't expect perfection-in fact, he knows that we will screw up perhaps in a really big way-but his promises are true and he will redeem the screw up...all of them.  He just wants your heart.   He just wants you to try.  He's there to help and guide you. He will ask you to give up everything and suffering will most definitely come because we live in a messed up world!...but he is FAITHFUL!  Always...Do you see it?  Or are you giving up on God because he's not doing what you think he should?  Perhaps a change of perspective is what we need...to view our situation with the lens of who God is.  

How has God been faithful to you this year?

Until the next time :-), C

Joy in the Journey

Today I am feeling an excitement like I’ve not felt in a long time.  To be quite honest, things are a bit bleak…the bank account is drained, friends are hurting, and there is a lot of work to do…but I am excited.  God has chosen us to sell out…to give it all up.  We are slashing bills, giving things away, and learning to live with much much less.  We are taking risks…jumping off of metaphorical bridges…and I’m excited!  There truly is joy in the journey.  

We want to walk with you throughout life.  If you need someone to talk to…Dan and I would love to meet with you as couples or as individuals.  Not because we’re perfect…because we’ve tasted God’s grace…his mercy…and we love walking with those that want to go deeper.  

We’d also love to teach you more about Jesus.  Check out our website to join one of our 5 small groups or join us on a Sunday evening.  

Come and see...

until the next time :-), C

Let's talk about church baby...

Let's talk about church.  THE church...not A church.  There's a difference...did you know?  This past year, Dan and I have been in a lot of churches, staff meetings, interviews, and just meeting a lot of ministry leaders.  I have been impressed by the presence of a kingdom mindset.  The Kingdom of God...all of those who have put their faith in Jesus Christ and surrendered control of their lives to Him.  We may express ourselves in different venues...some wear suits, some wear cut offs.  Some have sleeve tattoos...some like solitude, some prefer hymns on an organ, some like the loud crazy dance around music.  Some like grape juice, and some like WINE.  Some hide underground and drink in the words of the Bible like their lives depend on it...some are tortured and imprisoned for their faith.  Some fight over the color of the carpet...(hopefully they repent).  All in all, we are all a part of the Kingdom of God.  There can never be too many venues.  Shoot...let's have a venue in every house right?

I've learned so much.  My comfort zone has been a small speck in the rearview mirror of my life.  And, it is good!  We're planting a church.  A different kind of expression of the Kingdom of God.  We believe in real life church...meeting people's needs...keeping it simple.  It's not THE right way...it's a specific expression of the Kingdom of God.  Sometimes there are kids running around like crazy...sometimes two of us are crying in a coffeehouse together.  Sometimes there are hard conversations...sometimes there just isn't enough money.  God has called us to a life of unknown...but it is real...it is fresh...it is good.  It is an adventure.  Our church has already begun...come pray with us.  Come and get to know Jesus.  Come and learn to build relationships for God's glory.

Until the next time :-), C

Happy 10th Anniversary!

His gift is writing to me...my gift is bragging about him.

Last night was amazing.  It was our tenth wedding anniversary and my husband is a true gentleman.  It all started with blocking his calendar a few weeks in advance with "plan anniversary date".  He planned ahead...that means a lot to me.  He found a babysitter that allowed me to relax and not have to rush to get home.  He planned dinner for them so I didn't have to think about it.  (All of those details tend to stress me out for some reason).  He told me that we were doing something different and gently asked me to wear that little black dress...the one that's a little too small in my opinion.  He wears his suit...because he knows it drives me wild and I don't usually get to see him in it.

 I'm running around trying to find my earrings and to get Hannah to put her clothes on when I see someone come to the front door.  There he is in his suit, with roses and a card.  LOVE IT.

We get it all together and get in the car to leave.  He plugs in his phone and begins to play his predetermined love song play list...first up is Adele's "make you feel my love".  He says, "if you want to open your card now, you can".  In it is a 5 page letter outlining and remembering our last 10 years together.  PRICELESS.  I immediately tried to think of how I would keep it from getting ruined or wet or ripped...you know cuz that's just the life stage that we're in right now.

We proceed to talk about a million things. He says that he prayed that it would be the perfect night...because we've had a lot going on and we haven't had a date in forever.  I say a quick prayer too that things go as planned and I would have a good attitude...because sometimes I can just be a brat.  We arrive at the restaurant and are wined and dined and made to feel very fancy and special.  He picked a new place...unique and different and I just loved it.  The next step is to get dessert, drinks, and music at a cute little hole in the wall with historical significance...I would expect no less from my guy :).  We tried some new things and had lots of laughs.

I feel so blessed to have a man who knows me...all of the details...and after 10 years he's still working hard to make things special and to impress me at every level.  He is a true gentleman.  He treats me like gold...all the time.  He remembers things that I have long forgotten.  He writes with passion and detail and he isn't afraid to grovel just a little :).  I love you Dan Samms...I love you like crazy.

Until the next time :-), C

small miracles

I wish I could describe the way that I’m feeling tonight.  I've tried numerous times today to put it to words…but I just can’t quite get it out.  If you happen to have stopped by my little blog in the past year, you will know that God has guided me through quite a journey complete with mountains, valleys, and lots of windy and mangled roads.  All the while though I have this sense of closeness with Him…I feel my roots digging down deeper and deeper.  I’ve learned to lean into him more.  I’ve learned to walk with him more closely.  

Dan, myself, and our kids are in an exciting time of our life.  I’d love to tell you more about it over coffee at Panera sometime.  We are embarking on an adventure for sure.  There is no guidebook, there are no assurances.  Our bills still must be paid, and life still delivers its cruel realities with bits of happiness sprinkled throughout.  But God has called us to something and our hearts know it well.  His voice is unmistakeable.  He confirms it time and time again.  It’s been about a year since this leg of the journey began and looking back I just can’t help but fall to my knees in amazement and wonder at the goodness and mysterious nature of his ways.  We are not special.  We are not better.  Our lives are not easy!  We love God more than life itself.  We have been called to a life of leading people to Jesus and to do anything else feels utterly impossible. 

You see, today I witnessed a small miracle.  Again, to explain the details with words would undermine the work that God did in my heart.  So I will leave you with this:  God is real.  He created you.  He loves you.  He wants to know you intimately.  He is not surprised by your pain.  And He is not defined by your past experiences of “church” or “faith”…He is beyond all of that.   He wants a relationship with you and the thought of a life without him terrifies me to my core.  His peace is beyond understanding.  His provision takes my breath away…

If you’re missing this…let’s have coffee.  

“But if I say I’ll never mention the Lord or speak in his name, his word burns in my heart like a fire.  It’s like a fire in my bones!  I am worn out trying to hold it in!  I can’t do it!” Jeremiah 20:9

Until the next time :-), C

on motherhood...

“As He passed by, He saw a man blind from birth.  And His disciples asked Him, Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?  Jesus answered , It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him…” (John 9:1-3)

I read this today and it blessed my heart.  It just reminded me of the privilege that it is to be a mother to my children…especially Micah because I get to witness God’s power through them.  

I became a mother in 2009 and it was the scariest, weirdest, most beautiful and difficult time of my life!  Yeah…that’s what motherhood does to you…it makes you crazy.  I try to remind my kids of that daily.  Motherhood has brought out the best and worst in me.  I never knew anger until I had children.  I never knew love…the kind that you feel deep down in the pit of your stomach…that aching kind of love where you know that a part of you would die forever if anything bad happened to your child.  Motherhood has taught me about patience, endurance, selflessness and I know God more intimately because I am a mother.  

The other day my family went out for pizza.  There was a lady sitting behind us who was eating alone and working on a laptop.  We had a good time…my kids are doing better in restaurants and I am doing better and planning ahead.  However, we are still a handful…we are loud and crazy…there is always at least 3 or 4 injuries accompanied by loud screaming and cries of what sounds like death.  But there are also giggles and crazy ramblings about potties and stickers, princesses and Thomas the Train.  As we were getting ready to leave, the woman that was sitting behind us approached me.  I got pretty nervous and was ready for a lecture about how I was a bad parent.  Instead she said that she travels all the time and she’s never seen a family who treated their children with such love and respect.  She said that it was a joy to watch us together.  I think she may have just been an angel from Heaven.  I’ve NEVER been complimented on my kids in public…not to mention a restaurant.  (Except for how adorable they are…duh!)  I was incredibly humbled…tears came to my eyes…and I felt incredibly honored.  

The thing that I’ve learned most from being a mom is what a pleasure it is to have children.  They bring immense joy to me…and I love being a part of their world.  We are weird…my carpet is gross…we talk about potties and we kiss a LOT!  We laugh a lot and scream a lot.  But, I’ve never known such joy.  I am a completely different person because God allowed me to have children.  They are a treasure and I hope they grow to know and understand that.  I wouldn’t trade any of the “problems” or difficulties that we’ve been through (not even the labor and deliveries)…it was all worth it…to be able to look into their eyes and try to understand who they are and what they’re feeling…it’s just priceless.  

Thank you God for making me a mother.  

Until the next time :-), 
C

It's all fun and games until your kid pees on their floor

Parenting little kids makes me crazy in ways that I never knew it would.  It is so fun…and monotonous.  It’s 10:30pm and I’ve just put my second load of laundry in the washer, deboned a chicken, and now I need to go find that man that I love and make sure we still recognize each other after such a crazy day.  The big things in my kids lives right now are eating “cocorn” and watching Gerbert at bedtime.  So after that…I put my my kids down, do Micah’s massage, and then pray with them.  I find myself reviewing our day and apologizing for all the ways that I screwed them up and try to come up with ways to do better tomorrow.  They look at me like…”Mom, I have no idea what you’re talking about…can you leave now so that I can sneak some toys into my bed?”  

I find myself apologizing more to them these days.  Don’t get me wrong…I know that I’m a good mom.  But, man do I screw up.  Yesterday I punished Hannah for being disrespectful.  She’s 3.  That girl has the biggest teenage girl attitude already!  I have NO idea where she gets it from!  ;)  I punished her because she’s been making this obnoxious grunting sound when I tell her to do something.  She also has been saying FiiiiiiiiiiiNE!  and Moooooooooooom!  She’s a smart girl…and she doesn’t miss a thing.  She can sing a song after hearing it once and she’s already becoming pretty emotionally healthy…”Micah stop!  You’re making me angry!”  (Insert “My mom is a counselor” brain damage here…)

I was talking with a friend tonight about parenting…and how this world is just too confusing.  (And then my kid peed on her floor).  When we were kids, we watched shows like Looney Tunes where dads hit their kids over the head with baseball bats for asking dumb questions at dinner, they also shoot their kids in the head with a pistol…yes it’s true.  Shows have words like “stupid” and “freakin” and OH MY GOODNESS WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!?!?!?!?  I worry about what their brains are absorbing with Elmo talking about how the earth is a billion years old and My Little Pony casting spells on people…  The feminists are bashing men and telling our little girls that boys are dumb and worthless and that they don’t want anything to do with them.  Then I look at my sweet, sensitive little boy who just wants to be a helper and love his mom and sister with all of his heart…Then there’s the story in the news where hundreds of girls were abducted in Africa from their school and sold as brides to terrorists…and a chill runs down my spine.  

In a world of crazy…what in the heck do we do?!  According to Blues Clues…I should STOP, BREATHE, and THINK.  :)  Good advice.  According to God, I am being conformed to the image of Jesus…I trust him, I ask for wisdom, discernment, and protection.  I remember that God loves my kids more than me…that he has entrusted them to me for a reason…and that he is always doing something new.  I’m excited for this adventure.  

and oh yeah…I’m the one that grunts when I’m frustrated…so I’m the one that taught my daughter to be disrespectful to me!  Try explaining that to a 3 year old.  

These are the things that go through my head during the days while I’m running around like a crazy headless chicken.  

Now it’s 7am and my kids are wide awake asking to watch Coo Coo’s (Blue’s Clues).  I’M UP and darn it…I’m drinking my coffee from my fancy china mug this morning.  

Until the next time :-), C