I cry during worship...

Yes...it's true.  Almost every Sunday.  I think music just speaks to me on a different level.  I can be singing along and the words will just hit me!  The tears just start pouring and I wonder why I bothered to put mascara on.  Not to mention the fact that I never have tissues.  My husband carries a hankie...but let's face it...that's just gross.  Inevitably I end up wiping my mascara filled lashes with my sleeve and I just pray that the snot stays in.  It's a mess...and usually I'm sitting in the front where I feel like everyone can see me.  So, the next time y ou're in church and see the blubbering woman in front of you, don't assume that she's having marriage problems or confessing some big sin...just know that it's probably me being moved by the HS during some worship.  

Here's the song that did it for me this past Sunday.  I'll tell you why in an upcoming post that will be much more difficult to write...

Do you ever get emotional during worship?

Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I've come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wondering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
Let Thy goodness like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above

Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above

Acceptance

I saw this quote today.  I'm struggling with this...not because I don't accept my son...but because I'm trying so hard to figure him out.  He has become my full time job.  I think my frustration increases because deep down my fear is triggered each time he struggles.  My 2 year old is progressing wonderfully.  I'm so excited for her and I'm so proud of her but I have to admit that my heart breaks every time she does something that her big brother can't.  How do I support both of my children when their needs are so incredibly different?  Do I cheer her on as she soars through the air on the trampoline while Micah watches...knowing that he can't even jump?  When does this fear go away?  I feel like understanding him is the key to parenting him...but perhaps I need to work on just accepting him for right now?  I'm sure that a lot of parents go through this.  

Next week we see his developmental pediatrician to follow up hopefully gain some more understanding.  We were able to schedule an appointment with a highly recommended pediatric neurologist for April...I'm actually really looking forward to that appointment.  Yesterday I fired one of his therapists because I had an unsettled feeling about it after 3 sessions.  I tried to be professional...I practiced using kind words that were honest but gentle.  In the end, I may have hurt the person's feelings...but I have to listen to that intuition...I believe that God uses that feeling to tell me things.  In the end, I feel a huge relief to be done with it...and God gave me a glimpse of a new opportunity that may be possible in the near future with Micah's therapy.  

I'm reading this book with a group of ladies that God brought to my life at just the right time.  The book is Unglued:  Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions by Lysa TerKeurst.  One of the things that we're learning is how we usually deal with conflict by exploding or stuffing...I was tempted to stuff yesterday for fear of hurting someone even though inside I was struggling.  The goal is to balance honesty with Godliness...hopefully I did that even though the person may have been hurt.  

Ugh...I need a spa day...

Therapy, Therapy, Therapy, Oh My!

In June, I left my job. In September, we learned that our son Micah had some fairly moderate developmental delays. In November we were jolted into this new reality of having a "child with disabilities"...or at least that's what I keep hearing. When did my son become "disabled"? And why does everyone use these new politically correct terms to communicate about children with special needs? It is all so overwhelming! Let's backup...

Micah is an amazing kid...my firstborn...he is just a huge chunk of my heart that spilled out into the form of a little boy. Raising him these 3 1/2 little years has not been easy...we've had tantrums, night terrors, spiritual warfare, and all kinds of crazy stuff. I've always wondered if there was something going on in him that I couldn't quite put my finger on. But then again, I was a first time mom and EVERYTHING was unfamiliar. Fast forward to September 2012 when we took Micah in for his 3 year old well child visit. The doctor spent about 5 minutes with him and said "you need to schedule an appointment with a developmental pediatrician and neurologist". My response: "Why?, what the heck is a developmental pediatrician?" I actually had to google it. As it turns out, there are waiting lists for these doctors that stretch out to a year! I'm choosing to believe that God was working...and we got him in 45 days later. In the meantime, my once boring and mundane schedule was flipped into a hurried mess of assessments, testing, interviews, conferences, research, tears, anxiety...shall I continue? Through it all, our experience has been pretty positive. I know that God has gone before us and mapped out a path that is full of caring and knowledgeable people that just love my son. He is growing! He seems pretty happy! (as long as his daddy doesn't leave town) I, on the other hand, am a bit of a mess. I had enough pressure on me trying to raise two toddlers, let alone the fact that even playing has to be work for my 3 year old son. In addition to keeping the house running, having a life in ministry, meeting the needs of my marriage, trying to still remain a woman, and being a mother...now I'm constantly pressured with "Is he saying this wrong? Fix your posture! Am I doing the right thing? What if I'm pushing him too hard? Use your spoon! Jump! Finish! Stop screaming! Will you hate me when you're grown? Am I ruining any chance of you having healthy attachment to relationships in the future? Oh, by the way, do you know that I love you even though I'm acting like a crazy lunatic whose brain jumped out of her head about 3 months ago? I'm sorry...mommy's learning too..." Yeah, just call me Christy Train-Wreck Samms...that's who I've become.

So, our days went from trying to figure out how to keep two toddlers entertained all day until Daddy came home...to...a flurry of preschool, OT, PT, and speech therapy. I constantly receive "advice" and "encouragement" from people who really feel like they know what they're talking about...sometimes it really rattles me. Often I am barraged with terms that I've never heard of, I'm grasping for the politically correct term to refer to a child in fear of offending someone, and let's face it...there just isn't enough time to google everything. The medical bills are mounting...and at the end of the day crying just doesn't always seem to be enough. My body is physically exhausted, and we already talked about where my brain is...sometimes I just want to grab my son into my arms and just escape back into the world where ignorance was bliss. Funny, when I was deciding to leave my job I was wondering if I could handle all the down time. It's a good thing that God knows what he's doing.

Stupid Sandy-10/30/12

I'm not super sentimental...some moms cry over leaving their kids in the nursery, some cry over each milestone, some just plain freak out about everything!  Don't get me wrong, I love each stage of development and I often notice how fast my babies are growing up.  I just don't get very sad about it.  I do have my crazy traits though...I'm that mom who can't stand for a picture of her child to be "out there" without having a copy of it.  I'm that mom who takes a kid to a photo shoot and pays the hundred some odd dollars for the cd of all the pictures.  I can't stand for a picture to be lost/ruined/given away.  This is why I love digital pictures.  Well, today STUPID SANDY decided to come into my house (literally) and damage all of my precious keepsakes...including my pictures.  As I'm peeling through all of my pictures and scrapbook supplies I couldn't help but dream about a time machine that I could step into...go back in time, and store all of my pictures on Daniel's side of the bed...(he could just sleep on the floor or something :)  I threw my children in the garbage...or at least that is what it felt like. After a while I got angry enough to stick it to Sandy and pulled all of my pictures out of the trash...and this is what I've been doing all night:

You see, I'd rather have damaged pictures than throw my memories in the trash.  Yes, I have digital backups...but its just my weird thing...don't judge me :).  And yes, all of my precious things were in plastic bins with tight fitting lids...but Sandy still got to them.  

Another surprise that I received was a large waterproof bin containing my small doll collection...full of water.  Apparently it has been filled with water before when our basement flooded...so needless to say they are ruined.  I'm still not giving up on them though...I'm working on cleaning them up...and again if they look crappy at least i have my memories.  

My life has just been crappy lately...lots of things have been happening.  After each blow, I ask God...why is this happening?  I know that God is good.  I know that He is here.  I know that he is in control.  I know all of his promises and I truly believe Him.  I don't really get any answers other than to trust.  I keep getting this image of later.  I know that God is preparing my little family for something big.  And I feel like God may be stripping us of everything that we think we need to hold onto.  I think He also forced me to look at my life (in pictures) to remind me of all that we have.  I've had such a good life and I continue to be so blessed.  

Look at me...the pessimist is finding a glass half full.............